Drumroll please...

Well, there is no doubt about it this time. I got not one, not two, but THREE BFPs this morning!!!!  

I also had betas drawn today.  They came back at 28.6!!!  Depending upon what beta chart you look at, that number is either exactly average or slightly above average for 12 dpo.  Houston, we have a baby!

I go back to the RE on Saturday morning for my second beta draw.  DH and I are slightly nervous but mostly cautiously excited.  The fact that this baby has stayed put long enough to have a positive beta makes me feel like we've already reached a huge milestone.  (This is the first positive beta I've had since Baby M; none of my chemical pregnancies made it long enough to be detected on a blood test.)  Now we just have to make sure he or she doubles the hCG before Saturday!

And, just for fun, here's my BFP chart.  According to FF, our EDD is 11/19/11.  :-)

Decisions

DH and I have been talking about our TTC efforts recently.  Basically, we agree that what we are doing isn't working and something needs to change.

After some more research, discussion with a doctor friend who frequently prescribes fertility meds, and a healthy dose of heartbreak and desperation, DH and I are revisiting the idea of Clomid.  We are still both a little skeptical of the risks, but we have been assured that the risks associated with using the minimum dose for only a few cycles are very, very small.  We are hoping that it will at least give me shorter, more regular cycles and thus give us more chances at conceiving a healthy baby.  Plus, it seems to be the only real option left to try before more invasive and expensive treatments, and it sure as heck is cheaper than adoption. 

SO, if we are not successful this cycle, we are going to give Clomid a go.  If the Clomid doesn't work, then we will move forward with foster-adoption this summer. 

The foster-adopt situation is another reason why I am willing to reconsider Clomid.  I'm afraid we might be at a bit of a roadblock when it comes to foster-adoption.  I have continued looking into it, and it seems like fostering-to-adopt a newborn would be nearly impossible for us right now.  The main obstacle:  one parent must be able to stay home full-time in order to receive a newborn placement.  While I knew going into this that a stay-at-home-parent was looked favorably upon, I did not realize that, in practice (in our area at least), it is essentially a requirement, because infants in foster care cannot go to daycare until they are 12 weeks old.  Another obstacle is my job.  I work in child welfare, and have direct access to every case file on every family in our county whose children are in foster care.  I'm not sure how this would affect our eligibility to foster parent, but I am pretty sure that's a gigantic conflict of interest.  So basically, I would either need to quit my job (which we absolutely cannot afford at this point, as much as I hate to admit that), find a new job (which is impossible in this economy -- I know, I've been looking for months), or win the lottery so we can afford a private adoption.  *SIGH*

So, that is pretty much where we are at right now:  one more cycle au naturale, a few tries with Clomid, then moving to foster-adoption and praying that somehow it will work out for us.

Someday, somehow, we ARE going to be parents.

CD1

Bright red bleeding today.  Chemical pregnancy #3 confirmed.

I cannot believe this happened to us again.

BFP and BFNs

Sorry for the silence these past several days.  I was waiting in the hopes that I could actually write that post about eating my words.  

I got a BFP on Thursday, at 11 dpo.  A clear, but faint, pink line that appeared before the 5 minute read time allowed by my tests. 

I was so excited, I was shaking.  I have never seen a line that clear appear that quickly before, so I thought that surely this must be it!  I immediately tried confirming with another internet cheapie, which came up negative.  I ran and grabbed one of my FRERs, thinking surely it would confirm my positive.  Of course it was a BFN.  I was slightly disheartened, but thought maybe I just got lucky with a super sensitive cheapie and that it was just too early for these other tests.  

Friday morning I tested again, fully expecting to confirm my positive result from the day before.  Two more BFNs.  

At this point I called my doctors office again.  My RE wanted me to come in for a beta and to check my progesterone levels, so I went yesterday morning.  I really, truly thought I would get a positive result.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon:  my betas came back as "below 5" (obviously NOT pregnant) and my progesterone level was 6.78 (9 is the minimum they want to see for pregnancy).  

To say I was upset by this news is an understatement.  At best, the machine in their lab hadn't been properly calibrated before they ran my test, and the numbers were just off.  At worst (and most likely), I was pregnant and now I'm not.  And the nurse wasn't very helpful, she just kept telling me it was too early and I shouldn't even be testing yet because this is what happens.  (She was nice about it, but still, not helpful at this point!)  The nurse said I could either continue taking my progesterone and they could test my levels again on Monday, or stop the progesterone and wait for my period.  I decided to keep taking it and keep testing this weekend and see what happens. 

So far, another BFN this morning, but my temp is still rising.  I'm not hopeful, but I'm not giving up until the fat AF sings.

EDD

I have thought about writing this post all day.  I hadn't said anything yet, because I honestly didn't know what else to say.

Tomorrow is my EDD.  DH and I should have been meeting Baby M this week.  And while I have fixated on this milestone, now that it is only a few hours away, it all feels very surreal.  I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that we could have had a newborn any day now.

Maybe it is just a defense mechanism to keep myself from feeling depressed, but I truly just feel numb.  After the roller coaster of these past 7 1/2 months, tomorrow feels like just another day.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still remember the exhilarating excitement me and DH shared when we found out we were expecting.  I also remember the heart-shattering, devastating sadness I felt when the u/s tech told us there was no heartbeat.  And I still miss Baby M just as much as I did when I realized he or she was gone.  But thankfully, every day continues to get a little bit easier.  And I'm comforted by the fact that Baby M is in heaven with God, watching over me and DH, and knowing how much we love him or her.

Thinking of you Baby M, tomorrow and always. <3

Hysteroscopy results

Well, I had my hysteroscopy today.  And I have to say, it was definitely worse than a pap.

I didn't really feel anything at all while my RE was prepping me and injecting the saline.  But as soon as he inserted the camera, my entire cervix/uterine region started violently cramping like nothing I've ever felt before.  At one point I really thought I might pass out.  It wasn't even pain, really, just extreme, intense cramps radiating through my body.  It was really, really uncomfortable, but thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  After the actual procedure was over, my cramping subsided pretty quickly.  I have still been having bouts of cramping on and off all afternoon -- and leaking saline and iodine, fun! -- but my RE warned me this would probably happen and is totally normal.  (I actually had several pretty strong cramps just as I was sitting up to write this; I think my ute might be dealing with some PTSD!) 

The good news is that my RE did not find any abnormal tissue in my uterus!  He said my cervix and ute look great, and my tubes (what he could see of them, at least) are totally clear. Which is WONDERFUL news!  He thinks the dark spot he saw on the ultrasound must have been either a blood clot or a growth of uterine lining/polyp that shed itself during one of these past two cycles since the ultrasound.  At any rate, I am completely healthy and do not need surgery -- for which I am so, so thankful and totally relieved to hear. 

So, the official diagnosis:  recurrent pregnancy loss due to poor quality uterine lining.  (At this point, my RE does not think we need to do an RPL panel, since those primarily test for genetic issues and clotting disorders.  He still does not believe either of these are my issue, since both would manifest themselves later in a pregnancy, after implantation, and I obviously am not even getting that far.)  He did prescribe progesterone that I am to start taking this cycle after ovulation.  He seems to think this will improve my lining and increase my chance of having a successful implantation, so I'm definitely ready to give it a try.  I am just so relieved to finally have a real diagnosis, and that my diagnosis is something that we can easily treat!

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement yesterday and today, both here and on TTCAL.  It means more to me than you know!

Appointment today, hysteroscopy tomorrow

I had my RE appointment today.  He does believe I had chemical pregnancies these past two cycles.  Because I have already had pretty much every hormone level imaginable tested, and we've ruled out PCOS, he believes I am having an issue with implantation.  (This was also the non-medical opinion of me and DH, so I'm glad we are all on the same page.)

When I got to his office for my appointment, he was looking at my ultrasound from when they checked my ovaries back in November.  (One of the many things I love about this RE is that we always meet in his personal office, not in some sterile exam room, and he always talks to me like a person and not at me like I'm just some medical chart.  But I digress.)  He was looking at a side profile of my ute and showed me this small dark spot.  He said he had noticed it before, but because at that point he was concerned about PCOS, and I had no symptoms to suggest a problem with my ute, he didn't think anything of it.  But now that I've had two failed implantations, he believes that dark spot may be something in my uterus which is preventing implantation.  He said it is probably a polyp, which are apparently very common and almost always benign.  But there is a very small possibility it could also be retained tissue from my miscarriage, or something else, or it could be nothing at all.

At any rate, he wanted to go in and get a good look at it.  So, I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy tomorrow.  If there is a polyp or some other tissue, he said that is likely the cause of my chemical pregnancies, because anything abnormal in the uterus can affect the lining and prevent implantation.  If it turns out there is nothing out of the ordinary inside my ute, then he believes there is an issue with my lining, which he said we could easily treat with progesterone. 

I'm not really even nervous for this procedure tomorrow, just anxious to see what my RE finds.  He said most patients report it is no worse than a pap smear, but I may have some cramping afterwards.  So it doesn't sound like that big of a deal.  I am slightly nervous he might find something in my uterus that will need to come out, but either way, at least we will have finally pinpointed a problem that can be corrected pretty easily.  And that would be such a relief.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have an answer either way!

Called my RE

I called my RE's office yesterday to let them know what had happened these past few cycles and to see if they might want me to come in.  I didn't speak with my RE directly, but I did speak with his nurse who said it sounds like I had two chemical pregnancies.

My doctor did want to see me again, so I have an appointment scheduled for Wednesday.  I will be interested to see what he says, and what he thinks our next steps should be.

@^$*&#^$&*@#(&)&@!!!

This morning I got another BFN, followed by AF.

I can't believe this happened to me two cycles in a row.  I freaking hate my body and I hate this.

Still waiting...

14 dpo, no AF, and I still don't have a clear answer as to what is going on in my ute.  My temp went up .1 degree this morning, but I haven't been able to get another truly clear BFP to confirm my positive last night.

I did get what looked like a very very faint line on one internet cheapie with FMU this morning, but it was pretty difficult to see.  Then I dipped a second one (in the same FMU), and it came out stark white negative. 

I saved my FMU and tested with an FRER during my lunch break.  BFN.  Then I dipped another internet cheapie and thought I saw another super, suuuupppeerrrr faint line, but I hesitate to call it a clear positive.  I also have a hard time believing I am truly pregnant when I got a negative on an FRER, when they are supposedly one of the most sensitive tests available.

So now, I am right back where I started.  I want to believe I am pregnant, because that first test last night had such a clear second line.  And, unlike last time, this line was still there when the test dried (and actually got even darker).*  However, it worries me that I can't seem to replicate that result.  I don't want to get my hopes up until I have 100% clear proof that I am, in fact, with child.

I will be testing again first thing in the morning with a fresh batch of FMU.  Hopefully I will get a definitive answer soon.


* For the record, the line on last night's BFP was still clear as day this morning.  (I may or may not have dug it out of the trash to make sure...  Don't act like you've never dug a test out of the trash before!)

Holding my breath

DH was being a pee pusher, so I tested again.  This is what we saw.  On two tests.

I know the picture is dark and you can probably barely see the line, but even though it is faint, it is purple and it is there. (Maybe with the aid of my super sophisticated photo editing, you can see it too.  Click to enlarge.)

I am very cautiously optimistic, but won't let myself get excited just yet.  I need to confirm with FMU before I really let myself believe it.  I am so excited/scared/nervous/terrified to test in the morning.  I just hope that line is still there.

Merry Christmas, Baby M!

We have a few new ornaments on our tree this Christmas.

This first one we ordered from bugaboojewelry the week we lost Baby M.  It is so beautiful, and I love that it has all of Baby M's information on it.

This next one is also very special to me, because it was made by my friend and fellow TTCAL-er, noah-bear.  She has her own Etsy shop, and offered to make personalized ornaments for all of the ladies in our online community... isn't that amazing?  I love it!

Merry Christmas, Baby M!  We love you and miss you so much.

Its over

Well, if I was pregnant, I'm not any more.  CD1 hit with a vengeance today about an hour after I got to work.

I'm amazingly at peace with this entire situation.  I think the reality of not truly knowing whether this was a loss, or just a fluke of a test, has made it a little easier.  And I've been reminding myself, at least if it was a c/p, we were clearly able to get sperm to meet egg again.

I've made an early New Year's resolution:  no more early testing for me.  From here on out, I'm going to do my best to wait until my period is actually late (13 dpo) instead of starting testing at 9 dpo.  I don't want to play this "am-I-or-aren't-I" game again. 

I'm trying to stay optimistic.  I'm mostly just frustrated at this point.  I'm just ready to meet our take-home baby.

Rollercoaster (possible BFP and c/p mentioned)

I apologize for the radio silence these past few days.  A lot has been going on, and I wanted to be sure before I said anything.  I also didn't want to jinx it.

After my post the other day at 9 dpo, I had a temp drop below the coverline, and then my temps shot back up.  I was still having cramps and creamy/EWCM, but started to get my hopes up when my temps stayed high.  (No, I did not mark the EWCM on my chart, because when I did FF took my CH away.  But I had it from 8 dpo on.)

I also have had some serious nausea these past three days, and I even vomited a little yesterday.  I have never had this happen during the 2ww before, and was trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  And, my boobs are sore and feel like rocks.

Then, last night, I got this (click to enlarge):

 

Yes, that is a second line.  It was very very faint, but definitely there.

Of course, once I saw the line, I dipped another test.  I PIAnotherC, and that urine looked darker, so I used it for the second test instead of the same urine from my first test.  BFN.  Then I dipped another test in the original urine, but that test didn't seem to have much dye in it as even the control line was pretty light.  BFN #2.  I gave up and waited for this morning, to test with FMU.

This morning (12 dpo), I fully expected to get another BFP with FMU.  But instead I got BFN #3.

So now I don't know what to think.  The "BFP" line was pink, not gray, and wasn't an indent like I've seen others on TTCAL say they saw with evap lines or bad tests.  Also, the line was there before my urine evaporated, and it faded as the test strip dried.  So I'm really hesitant to call it an evap line.  I have also never remotely seen anything that looks like an evap line on a Wondfo HPT or OPK, and I've been using them for almost a year now.  So I really don't think that's what it was.

I was feeling cautiously excited until this afternoon, when the EWCM really picked up and I started having brown spotting.  I am still spotting now, and starting to pass some dark brown CM/tissue so I'm guessing whatever this was, is about to be over.  I am still holding out a sliver of hope that tomorrow will bring a darker BFP, but I'm not holding my breath.

So it looks like either I got a somehow got a false BFP (on a brand notorious for never having false positives), or I'm possibly having a chemical pregnancy.  :-(

Amazingly, I am not really very upset (yet).  I don't know if I'm secretly holding out hope that I really am pregnant, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if I'm relieved that at least if it was a c/p, that means me and DH were capable of getting pregnant again.

At any rate, please send good thoughts.  I will keep you all posted.

Test results -- round 2

Yesterday was my follow-up RE appointment to go over my test results.

Drum roll please?

They found... nothing! Every single test they ran, my hormone levels came back exactly smack in the middle of the normal range.  Which is of course great news that I am healthy, but it definitely doesn't make me any less frustrated.  Actually, I think it is more frustrating, because at least if something was wrong we could actively work on fixing it.  My RE did suggest I start Clomid next cycle, but I don't think I'm comfortable taking that step yet (and I know DH isn't). 

While I was at my appointment, I also asked my RE about what the tech said about my ovaries being really far apart.  He said this was not a problem, and that he has never had a patient where that was what was keeping her from getting pregnant.  I asked if he thought a super-long journey through my tubes might be causing decreased egg quality, and if it might have contributed to our loss.  He assured me that he did not believe this was an issue.  He also said he didn't see any cysts or anything on my ovaries from the ultrasound, which is of course also great news.

So, the official diagnosis?  Unexplained anovulation.  It is frustrating, but I just keep telling myself that at least I am healthy and that we are doing everything we can do to have another baby.  I think we're going to just keep trying and praying for a few more cycles, and then maybe re-evaluate the Clomid option.  I really hope we get a BFP soon so we don't even have to consider it.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (I have also seen it referred to as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but it's basically the same idea, right?) For more information, click on over to www.october15.com.

Tomorrow will also be four months, one week, and one day since we said goodbye to Baby M. I truly cannot believe it has been so long, and yet it still feels like just yesterday at the same time. I still think about Baby M every single day, and I know that I always will.

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, the website Faces of Loss is encouraging everyone to post a badge or Facebook status to honor our babies who were lost too soon. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I will not be posting either of these on my personal Facebook account tomorrow. Not because I'm ashamed of Baby M or what we went through, but because so many people in our lives (including family members) don't know about our loss. And I certainly don't think a Facebook status is the appropriate venue for them to find out. There are still so many people we haven't told, for various reasons. The people we have told have been amazingly supportive, and I am so glad we have been able to share Baby M with them. But for those we haven't told yet, they will just have to wait until we are ready.

So for now, I will proudly post my "I am the Face" badge here, where I am safe and anonymous.



Love you, Baby M. You will be in my heart tomorrow, and always.

My ovary has a heartbeat (and other fun with the RE)

I had my RE appointment this afternoon and I must say, I am so impressed with this doctor.  He was so incredibly nice, and seemed to genuinely care about my concerns.

I met with him in his office as soon as I got there, and he spent about 20 minutes just asking me questions, looking at my charts, and discussing what might be going on with me.  He also asked how I was doing after our miscarriage, and spent several minutes talking to me about pregnancy loss.  He said thinks its a shame that miscarriage is such a "dirty little secret" in our society, and that he completely believes it is the loss of a child, and that he certainly views it that way and wishes other people would too.  I loved that he came right out and said that, and it was refreshing to hear a medical professional recognize what me and DH went through as an actual, human, emotional event, rather than another run-of-the-mill "spontaneous abortion".  (Don't even get me started on that terminology -- I HATE the word(s) "spontaneous abortion".  It seriously it makes my skin crawl.  There was absolutely nothing spontaneous nor abortive about what I went through, and to describe it as such feels so clinical and cold.  But I digress.) 

Annyyywayyy...  So my RE agreed I am definitely showing symptoms of PCOS that were concerning to him.  He also said that although my PCOS panel came back within the normal ranges, he also wanted an ultrasound of my ovaries just to make sure there were no cysts.  He also wanted to test me for congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which he says can present with the same symptoms as PCOS but would require a different course of treatment.  He also wanted to test me for insulin resistance, so I will be participating in a 2 hour glucose tolerance test at some point this week.  (I'm definitely not looking forward to that!).

So, after my meeting with the RE today, they took three vials of blood to test for these various conditions, and also gave me lab orders to have the 2 hour GTT done.  After the blood draw, I also had a transvaginal (aka "dildo cam") ultrasound with his tech there in the office.  She was also amazingly nice, and was much more "gentle" than the ultrasound tech who did my t/v ultrasound with Baby M.  During my ultrasound, the tech did tell me that my ovaries are really far apart from each other and sit really far off to each side.  As in, she could hardly find my left one with the dildo cam.  She did finally find it, and she said it was almost as far over as my femoral artery (which I guess is REALLY far).  She then turned on the sound from the ultrasound and sure enough, you could hear the blood whooshing in my artery so loud it echoed in the room.  (Aww, my ovary's heartbeat.  How special.)    I asked the tech if my ovaries being so far apart was a problem, but of course she couldn't really tell me anything.  But I definitely plan to ask the RE about it at my next appointment.  Which will be next Wednesday, after all of my test results have come back.

I have to say that after today, I am definitely looking forward to this next appointment.  I'm also anxious to see if my tests will show anything.  I guess we will know soon enough!

8 dpo and hopeful

So I  am now 8 dpo and trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  No, scratch that, I have given up on trying not to get my hopes up.   It seems like every cycle I try to not get too excited, it just hits me that much harder when I end up not being pregnant.  So I am letting myself get excited, and my hopes are high that THIS will be our month!

And really, how can I not be excited?  Just look at that chart!  Actually, this chart looks eerily similar to my chart the month I did have my BFP.  Both cycles my post-O temps very gradually increased by .1 or .2 degrees each day, and some days held steady at the same temp as the day before (other than a small implantation(?) dip at 7 dpo my BFP cycle).  All of my other charts -- both before I was pregnant and after my miscarriage -- have been much more erratic, with my post-O temps shooting up, then dropping by a few tenths of a degree, then shooting up again, etc.  The only time I have ever seen my temps rise so slowly and steadily is when I was actually pregnant... so of course I am hoping and praying that is what this chart is showing as well!

Also, this cycle is the first cycle since I was pregnant that I have had any kind of pre-AF/possible pregnancy symptoms.  Before I got pregnant I always had a few "phantom symptoms"... sore boobs, cramping, bloating, feeling more emotional, etc.  Since my miscarriage, I haven't had ANY pre-AFsymptoms -- I just see my temp drop in my chart and then my period starts, and then symptoms set in a few days later.  With this cycle, I have already been having swollen and slightly sore boobs, crazy bloat, and I have also caught myself being more emotional.  I'm of course really hoping this is a good sign too, and it definitely is only causing my hopes to get up even more!

I was originally going to try to wait until 10 dpo (Friday) to test, but I'm thinking I will probably have to test tomorrow morning.  Even though I know it is super early, I did get my first BFP at 9 dpo last time (even though me and DH didn't realize it at the time, because the line was SO faint we thought we were imagining it until I tested more clearly positive the following day).  So it is hard for me to not want to start testing at 9 dpo, since I know I could get a BFP that early!

Wish me luck!  :-)

What Not to Say...

I am reblogging this from http://lossotomayors.blogspot.com/.  I have seen this list before, but it is definitely still applicable.  And although I don't necessarily feel that all of these statements apply to me, it is a good list and I would like to pass it along -- in the hopes that it might help someone who knows someone suffering from a loss, or someone who may be suffering themselves.

What We Wish You Knew About Pregnancy Loss:  

A letter from women to their friends and family 
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer 

I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them.   The lists tend to be remarkably similar.  The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss.  While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. 

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners:  don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children.  No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. 

• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it."  I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. 

• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?"  It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken.  I wish it had never happened.  But it did and it's a part of me forever.  The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine -- or yours. 

• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you."  I didn't want her to be my angel.  I wanted her to bury me in my old age. 

• Don't say, "I understand how you feel."  Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel.  And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. 

• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse.  The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby.  These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair.  Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. 

• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up.  If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared.  If I'm talking about it, it means I want to.  Let me.  Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. 

• Don't say, "It's not your fault."  It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed.  The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse.  This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it.  I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood.  I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. 

• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway."  I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford.  I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant.  I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby.  Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die -- I never would have chosen for this to happen. 

• Do say, "I am so sorry."  That's enough.  You don't need to be eloquent.  Say it and mean it and it will matter. 

• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you."  We both need to hear that. 

• Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

• Do send flowers or a kind note -- every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved.  Don't resent it if I don't respond.

• Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call.  If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either.  Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. 

Wonderful news! (BFP - not mine - mentioned)

I was waiting to write this post until the new momma announced on TTCAL... And since she has, I can finally share her news!

My TTCAL Buddy, liveforhim, found out on Friday that she is expecting again!!!!

I am so, SO completely thrilled for her!  We both lost our first babies within a week of each other, and after "meeting" on the MC/PL board, we have become great friends over these past few months.  We talk nearly every day, and she has been there to encourage, comfort, and pray for me during some of the most difficult days of my life.  I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the experience of losing Baby M without her!

We have both been anxiously waiting until the day when we were both pregnant again.  I'm so excited it happened for her so quickly, and it gives me hope that I too will be expecting again soon.  :-)

Congrats again, my friend!!!!!!!!  I'm sending tons of prayers your way that this will be your take-home baby!