One year ago

One year ago today, DH and I found out we had lost Baby M. It was one of the worst days of my life. I cannot believe it has been been an entire year already. I still remember the feeling of my heart breaking like it was yesterday.

At the same time, DH and I are so blessed to now be expecting Baby C. Today is bittersweet, because while I still grieve over losing Baby M, I know we would not now have Baby C if it weren't for Baby M.

Thank you Baby M for being in our lives, even for a brief moment. You brought us so much excitement and joy. You will always be my first baby. I love you with all of my heart and think about you every day.

I still can't believe you are gone.

Heartbeat!!!

We had our first ultrasound this morning (if you hadn't noticed from the photo... lol).  Everything is looking perfect!  Baby C is measuring 6w 1d with a strong little heartbeat of 130 bpm!  Praise Jesus!  DH and I are SO excited and SO relieved!

After the ultrasound, DH and I had to wait around for a few minutes to meet with the nurse and schedule our 8 week scan.  During that time, several of the other nurses came and congratulated us.  It was so cute!  They were so sweet, and seemed genuinely happy for us.  I absolutely love the nurses at my RE's office, and I'm going to miss them (and how nice they are) when I transfer back to my regular OB.

Speaking of my regular OB... I also scheduled my first appointment with him today, per my RE's suggestion.  I have to go for my "intake appointment" (a.k.a. bloodwork and getting talked down to by a nurse who thinks she knows more than you about everything) on April 11th.  I tried to get out of this appointment because it was a seriously horrible experience the last time, but they told me it is required and that they won't let me see my doctor until I go through the intake.  This did not make me happy, but as I told DH some battles just aren't worth fighting.  The receptionist at least scheduled me to meet with a different nurse than the bitch nurse I had with Baby M, so I'm hoping it goes more smoothly this time around.

So I will have my OB intake appointment on April 11th, then my next RE appointment later that same day.  Then, my first real appointment with my OB will be April 25th, which will probably also be the same day as my last RE appointment.  So many appointments!  But of course I don't mind.  :-) 

HOORAY FOR HEARTBEATS!!!!

Drumroll please...

Well, there is no doubt about it this time. I got not one, not two, but THREE BFPs this morning!!!!  

I also had betas drawn today.  They came back at 28.6!!!  Depending upon what beta chart you look at, that number is either exactly average or slightly above average for 12 dpo.  Houston, we have a baby!

I go back to the RE on Saturday morning for my second beta draw.  DH and I are slightly nervous but mostly cautiously excited.  The fact that this baby has stayed put long enough to have a positive beta makes me feel like we've already reached a huge milestone.  (This is the first positive beta I've had since Baby M; none of my chemical pregnancies made it long enough to be detected on a blood test.)  Now we just have to make sure he or she doubles the hCG before Saturday!

And, just for fun, here's my BFP chart.  According to FF, our EDD is 11/19/11.  :-)

EDD

I have thought about writing this post all day.  I hadn't said anything yet, because I honestly didn't know what else to say.

Tomorrow is my EDD.  DH and I should have been meeting Baby M this week.  And while I have fixated on this milestone, now that it is only a few hours away, it all feels very surreal.  I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that we could have had a newborn any day now.

Maybe it is just a defense mechanism to keep myself from feeling depressed, but I truly just feel numb.  After the roller coaster of these past 7 1/2 months, tomorrow feels like just another day.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still remember the exhilarating excitement me and DH shared when we found out we were expecting.  I also remember the heart-shattering, devastating sadness I felt when the u/s tech told us there was no heartbeat.  And I still miss Baby M just as much as I did when I realized he or she was gone.  But thankfully, every day continues to get a little bit easier.  And I'm comforted by the fact that Baby M is in heaven with God, watching over me and DH, and knowing how much we love him or her.

Thinking of you Baby M, tomorrow and always. <3

Happy New Year

I cannot believe it is now 2011.  Almost one year ago today we began trying for a baby, and I thought for sure we would have one by now.  Or that I would at least be expecting one.

Of course, I should be gigantically pregnant right now and ready to meet Baby M in 17 days.  Needless to say, 2010 did not go as planned.

Here's hoping 2011 is better for all of us.  Happy New Year to all of you.

Merry Christmas, Baby M!

We have a few new ornaments on our tree this Christmas.

This first one we ordered from bugaboojewelry the week we lost Baby M.  It is so beautiful, and I love that it has all of Baby M's information on it.

This next one is also very special to me, because it was made by my friend and fellow TTCAL-er, noah-bear.  She has her own Etsy shop, and offered to make personalized ornaments for all of the ladies in our online community... isn't that amazing?  I love it!

Merry Christmas, Baby M!  We love you and miss you so much.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (I have also seen it referred to as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but it's basically the same idea, right?) For more information, click on over to www.october15.com.

Tomorrow will also be four months, one week, and one day since we said goodbye to Baby M. I truly cannot believe it has been so long, and yet it still feels like just yesterday at the same time. I still think about Baby M every single day, and I know that I always will.

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, the website Faces of Loss is encouraging everyone to post a badge or Facebook status to honor our babies who were lost too soon. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I will not be posting either of these on my personal Facebook account tomorrow. Not because I'm ashamed of Baby M or what we went through, but because so many people in our lives (including family members) don't know about our loss. And I certainly don't think a Facebook status is the appropriate venue for them to find out. There are still so many people we haven't told, for various reasons. The people we have told have been amazingly supportive, and I am so glad we have been able to share Baby M with them. But for those we haven't told yet, they will just have to wait until we are ready.

So for now, I will proudly post my "I am the Face" badge here, where I am safe and anonymous.



Love you, Baby M. You will be in my heart tomorrow, and always.

My ovary has a heartbeat (and other fun with the RE)

I had my RE appointment this afternoon and I must say, I am so impressed with this doctor.  He was so incredibly nice, and seemed to genuinely care about my concerns.

I met with him in his office as soon as I got there, and he spent about 20 minutes just asking me questions, looking at my charts, and discussing what might be going on with me.  He also asked how I was doing after our miscarriage, and spent several minutes talking to me about pregnancy loss.  He said thinks its a shame that miscarriage is such a "dirty little secret" in our society, and that he completely believes it is the loss of a child, and that he certainly views it that way and wishes other people would too.  I loved that he came right out and said that, and it was refreshing to hear a medical professional recognize what me and DH went through as an actual, human, emotional event, rather than another run-of-the-mill "spontaneous abortion".  (Don't even get me started on that terminology -- I HATE the word(s) "spontaneous abortion".  It seriously it makes my skin crawl.  There was absolutely nothing spontaneous nor abortive about what I went through, and to describe it as such feels so clinical and cold.  But I digress.) 

Annyyywayyy...  So my RE agreed I am definitely showing symptoms of PCOS that were concerning to him.  He also said that although my PCOS panel came back within the normal ranges, he also wanted an ultrasound of my ovaries just to make sure there were no cysts.  He also wanted to test me for congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which he says can present with the same symptoms as PCOS but would require a different course of treatment.  He also wanted to test me for insulin resistance, so I will be participating in a 2 hour glucose tolerance test at some point this week.  (I'm definitely not looking forward to that!).

So, after my meeting with the RE today, they took three vials of blood to test for these various conditions, and also gave me lab orders to have the 2 hour GTT done.  After the blood draw, I also had a transvaginal (aka "dildo cam") ultrasound with his tech there in the office.  She was also amazingly nice, and was much more "gentle" than the ultrasound tech who did my t/v ultrasound with Baby M.  During my ultrasound, the tech did tell me that my ovaries are really far apart from each other and sit really far off to each side.  As in, she could hardly find my left one with the dildo cam.  She did finally find it, and she said it was almost as far over as my femoral artery (which I guess is REALLY far).  She then turned on the sound from the ultrasound and sure enough, you could hear the blood whooshing in my artery so loud it echoed in the room.  (Aww, my ovary's heartbeat.  How special.)    I asked the tech if my ovaries being so far apart was a problem, but of course she couldn't really tell me anything.  But I definitely plan to ask the RE about it at my next appointment.  Which will be next Wednesday, after all of my test results have come back.

I have to say that after today, I am definitely looking forward to this next appointment.  I'm also anxious to see if my tests will show anything.  I guess we will know soon enough!

CD1 - so upset

Its over.  I started having EWCM yesterday (I usually get it before AF), and then I had some cramps last night and I knew what was coming.  Then I had some brown spotting before bed and I knew that was it.  Of course I had a gigantic temp drop this morning, along with my period. 

I'm so, so upset.  I cried myself to sleep last night, knowing it was over.  Every time I get my period, my heart breaks all over again thinking of what I went through with losing Baby M.  And every time I get my period is another emotionally painful reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and still not pregnant again.  I used to get bummed when I'd get my period before I was pregnant with Baby M, but for whatever reason it is so much more painful for me now that we've had a loss.  I know it breaks DH's heart to see me cry and to see me sad every cycle, and I absolutely hate that too.

I know it sounds stupid, but I was SURE that I was pregnant this cycle.  I really, really was.  I have never been more sure that I was pregnant, not even the cycle I actually was pregnant.  And I cannot believe I'm not pregnant YET AGAIN.  I'm feeling really upset and extremely defeated right now.  We have had perfect timing EVERY CYCLE.  I realize this is only half of the equation, but seriously?  There is nothing more we can do!  I'm just completely at a loss right now.  I don't know why God won't send us another baby.

Wonderful news! (BFP - not mine - mentioned)

I was waiting to write this post until the new momma announced on TTCAL... And since she has, I can finally share her news!

My TTCAL Buddy, liveforhim, found out on Friday that she is expecting again!!!!

I am so, SO completely thrilled for her!  We both lost our first babies within a week of each other, and after "meeting" on the MC/PL board, we have become great friends over these past few months.  We talk nearly every day, and she has been there to encourage, comfort, and pray for me during some of the most difficult days of my life.  I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the experience of losing Baby M without her!

We have both been anxiously waiting until the day when we were both pregnant again.  I'm so excited it happened for her so quickly, and it gives me hope that I too will be expecting again soon.  :-)

Congrats again, my friend!!!!!!!!  I'm sending tons of prayers your way that this will be your take-home baby!

Coming out

I told a new friend about me and DH's loss last night.  She was of course amazingly sympathetic and supportive, but I still felt a little weird telling her.

I don't know why, but I am always hesitant to mention Baby M to new people.  DH and I had only told two people -- friends of ours who are married to each other -- that we were even pregnant.  We hadn't even told our parents yet by the time we lost Baby M.  We struggled for a week or two, debating whether we should even tell our families.  They didn't even know we were trying for a baby (although I later found out my step-mother suspected I was pregnant all along... how she knows these things is beyond me!).  I knew that my parents, at least, would be thrilled to know they were about to become grandparents.  We weren't sure how DH's parents would react, and frankly, I was afraid of getting a less-than-supportive reaction in my already fragile mental state.  We did ultimately decide to tell them, and I am so glad we did.  Its like we were finally coming out with our terrible secret.  It was a relief for me to know that other people, people who would love Baby M as much as us, now knew about our baby and what we were going through.  In a weird way, it was also comforting to experience their sadness;  it was nice to know that DH and I are not the only ones mourning the loss of what would have been.

Since "coming out" to our parents, we have also told several other friends about Baby M.  Thankfully, everyone we have told has been supportive, and most have been amazingly compassionate and sincerely interested in hearing about Baby M and our experience.  For that, I am so, so thankful.  It has been so therapeutic for me to be able to discuss what happened.

But still, I never know how much I should tell people.  I know dead babies can be an uncomfortable topic for anyone, perhaps even more so for people who haven't experienced a loss.  Plus, I have spent countless hours reading, researching, and discussing what happened to us.  I am intimately familiar with the physical and psychological process of losing a pregnancy, and I am comfortable discussing our experience in graphic detail.   But I'm never sure how much of this information "other people" (i.e. people who have not experienced a loss) want to really hear about our experience.  I usually just say that I was pregnant, but we lost the baby, and then wait for the other person to ask questions before volunteering any other information.

So far, this approach seems to be working.  However, I find myself struggling with wanting to share every detail but also trying to hold back, for fear of saying too much and scaring the other person away.  I hope that eventually I will be able to find a good balance.

Allow myself to introduce... myself

After reading some of the wonderfully inspiring blogs of my fellow TTCALers, I thought I might give this blog thing a go.  Not because I think my story is a particularly inspiring one, but mostly just to have a place to air my thoughts and to share my experiences with others going to through the same thing.

So, here we are.  If you read my "about me", you know I'm a twenty-something married to the best DH ever.  No, really, he truly is the most wonderful person I know.  I don't know how I could have ever gotten through the horrible experience of losing Baby M without him.  He is truly my rock, and I thank God every day that I have him in my life.  

Even before we were married, DH and I were so excited to start our family.  Naturally, we assumed we would get pregnant right away and live happily ever after with however many children we were blessed with.  We started trying for a baby in January 2010.  We were thrilled to discover we were expecting Baby M in May 2010, after five months of trying.  I actually got my first BFP on Mother's Day.  We were ecstatic, to say the least!

I called and made my first doctor's appointment right away.  Because I have longer-than-average cycles, I told my doctor I was a week behind the date his nurse had assigned me using her stupid little "pregnancy wheel".  My doctor ordered an ultrasound to confirm, and of course Baby M measured to the day according to my calculations.  I was only 5 weeks 1 day, so my doctor ordered another ultrasound for two weeks later to check our baby's heartbeat.  

DH and I anxiously awaited our second ultrasound.  I was so very, very excited until Ultrasound Day rolled around.  I even told DH that I was feeling a bit nervous as we walked into the clinic.  Of course, I had no clue that we would actually get bad news.  I will never forget the feeling of my heart dropping when the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't find a heartbeat.  I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for the announcement that our baby was dead.  Baby M had passed a week before, and I was none the wiser.  I was still experiencing minor nausea, my boobs were still swollen, and my bloat was still out of this world.  I hadn't even had any spotting or any other inclination that anything was wrong.  

I remember going home from the ultrasound that afternoon feeling numb.  I couldn't believe our baby was already gone.  The baby we had waited for and wanted so badly.  The baby we had only just begun to know.  I loved Baby M from the moment I knew of his or her existence, and now he/she was gone.  

I decided I didn't want a D&C unless absolutely medically necessary.  I opted to wait for a few days to see if my body would catch up and "take care of things" on its own.  It didn't.  On June 7, 2010, I opted to take misoprostol to induce a miscarriage, in the hopes of avoiding surgery.  Thankfully (if you can even say that word regarding pregnancy loss), the misoprostol worked.  I passed Baby M at home, with DH by my side.  

Losing Baby M was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  During this experience, a good friend of mine comforted me by telling me that all Baby M knew was love;  he or she never had to suffer here in the world.  I have carried that message with me, and it continues to bring me peace.  I know that Baby M is in heaven with God, looking down on me and DH.  And I know that one day, DH and I will finally be reunited with our first miracle.  

Love you Baby M.  <3