Monday, September 6, 2010

Allow myself to introduce... myself

After reading some of the wonderfully inspiring blogs of my fellow TTCALers, I thought I might give this blog thing a go.  Not because I think my story is a particularly inspiring one, but mostly just to have a place to air my thoughts and to share my experiences with others going to through the same thing.

So, here we are.  If you read my "about me", you know I'm a twenty-something married to the best DH ever.  No, really, he truly is the most wonderful person I know.  I don't know how I could have ever gotten through the horrible experience of losing Baby M without him.  He is truly my rock, and I thank God every day that I have him in my life.  

Even before we were married, DH and I were so excited to start our family.  Naturally, we assumed we would get pregnant right away and live happily ever after with however many children we were blessed with.  We started trying for a baby in January 2010.  We were thrilled to discover we were expecting Baby M in May 2010, after five months of trying.  I actually got my first BFP on Mother's Day.  We were ecstatic, to say the least!

I called and made my first doctor's appointment right away.  Because I have longer-than-average cycles, I told my doctor I was a week behind the date his nurse had assigned me using her stupid little "pregnancy wheel".  My doctor ordered an ultrasound to confirm, and of course Baby M measured to the day according to my calculations.  I was only 5 weeks 1 day, so my doctor ordered another ultrasound for two weeks later to check our baby's heartbeat.  

DH and I anxiously awaited our second ultrasound.  I was so very, very excited until Ultrasound Day rolled around.  I even told DH that I was feeling a bit nervous as we walked into the clinic.  Of course, I had no clue that we would actually get bad news.  I will never forget the feeling of my heart dropping when the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't find a heartbeat.  I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for the announcement that our baby was dead.  Baby M had passed a week before, and I was none the wiser.  I was still experiencing minor nausea, my boobs were still swollen, and my bloat was still out of this world.  I hadn't even had any spotting or any other inclination that anything was wrong.  

I remember going home from the ultrasound that afternoon feeling numb.  I couldn't believe our baby was already gone.  The baby we had waited for and wanted so badly.  The baby we had only just begun to know.  I loved Baby M from the moment I knew of his or her existence, and now he/she was gone.  

I decided I didn't want a D&C unless absolutely medically necessary.  I opted to wait for a few days to see if my body would catch up and "take care of things" on its own.  It didn't.  On June 7, 2010, I opted to take misoprostol to induce a miscarriage, in the hopes of avoiding surgery.  Thankfully (if you can even say that word regarding pregnancy loss), the misoprostol worked.  I passed Baby M at home, with DH by my side.  

Losing Baby M was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  During this experience, a good friend of mine comforted me by telling me that all Baby M knew was love;  he or she never had to suffer here in the world.  I have carried that message with me, and it continues to bring me peace.  I know that Baby M is in heaven with God, looking down on me and DH.  And I know that one day, DH and I will finally be reunited with our first miracle.  

Love you Baby M.  <3

3 comments:

  1. Hugs, I am so sorry for your loss.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friend's message that your child never suffered is indeed comforting! It is such a horrific experience to go through, but its nice to know you had a little bit of support.

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