Drumroll please...

Well, there is no doubt about it this time. I got not one, not two, but THREE BFPs this morning!!!!  

I also had betas drawn today.  They came back at 28.6!!!  Depending upon what beta chart you look at, that number is either exactly average or slightly above average for 12 dpo.  Houston, we have a baby!

I go back to the RE on Saturday morning for my second beta draw.  DH and I are slightly nervous but mostly cautiously excited.  The fact that this baby has stayed put long enough to have a positive beta makes me feel like we've already reached a huge milestone.  (This is the first positive beta I've had since Baby M; none of my chemical pregnancies made it long enough to be detected on a blood test.)  Now we just have to make sure he or she doubles the hCG before Saturday!

And, just for fun, here's my BFP chart.  According to FF, our EDD is 11/19/11.  :-)

BFP and BFNs

Sorry for the silence these past several days.  I was waiting in the hopes that I could actually write that post about eating my words.  

I got a BFP on Thursday, at 11 dpo.  A clear, but faint, pink line that appeared before the 5 minute read time allowed by my tests. 

I was so excited, I was shaking.  I have never seen a line that clear appear that quickly before, so I thought that surely this must be it!  I immediately tried confirming with another internet cheapie, which came up negative.  I ran and grabbed one of my FRERs, thinking surely it would confirm my positive.  Of course it was a BFN.  I was slightly disheartened, but thought maybe I just got lucky with a super sensitive cheapie and that it was just too early for these other tests.  

Friday morning I tested again, fully expecting to confirm my positive result from the day before.  Two more BFNs.  

At this point I called my doctors office again.  My RE wanted me to come in for a beta and to check my progesterone levels, so I went yesterday morning.  I really, truly thought I would get a positive result.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon:  my betas came back as "below 5" (obviously NOT pregnant) and my progesterone level was 6.78 (9 is the minimum they want to see for pregnancy).  

To say I was upset by this news is an understatement.  At best, the machine in their lab hadn't been properly calibrated before they ran my test, and the numbers were just off.  At worst (and most likely), I was pregnant and now I'm not.  And the nurse wasn't very helpful, she just kept telling me it was too early and I shouldn't even be testing yet because this is what happens.  (She was nice about it, but still, not helpful at this point!)  The nurse said I could either continue taking my progesterone and they could test my levels again on Monday, or stop the progesterone and wait for my period.  I decided to keep taking it and keep testing this weekend and see what happens. 

So far, another BFN this morning, but my temp is still rising.  I'm not hopeful, but I'm not giving up until the fat AF sings.

Still waiting...

14 dpo, no AF, and I still don't have a clear answer as to what is going on in my ute.  My temp went up .1 degree this morning, but I haven't been able to get another truly clear BFP to confirm my positive last night.

I did get what looked like a very very faint line on one internet cheapie with FMU this morning, but it was pretty difficult to see.  Then I dipped a second one (in the same FMU), and it came out stark white negative. 

I saved my FMU and tested with an FRER during my lunch break.  BFN.  Then I dipped another internet cheapie and thought I saw another super, suuuupppeerrrr faint line, but I hesitate to call it a clear positive.  I also have a hard time believing I am truly pregnant when I got a negative on an FRER, when they are supposedly one of the most sensitive tests available.

So now, I am right back where I started.  I want to believe I am pregnant, because that first test last night had such a clear second line.  And, unlike last time, this line was still there when the test dried (and actually got even darker).*  However, it worries me that I can't seem to replicate that result.  I don't want to get my hopes up until I have 100% clear proof that I am, in fact, with child.

I will be testing again first thing in the morning with a fresh batch of FMU.  Hopefully I will get a definitive answer soon.


* For the record, the line on last night's BFP was still clear as day this morning.  (I may or may not have dug it out of the trash to make sure...  Don't act like you've never dug a test out of the trash before!)

Holding my breath

DH was being a pee pusher, so I tested again.  This is what we saw.  On two tests.

I know the picture is dark and you can probably barely see the line, but even though it is faint, it is purple and it is there. (Maybe with the aid of my super sophisticated photo editing, you can see it too.  Click to enlarge.)

I am very cautiously optimistic, but won't let myself get excited just yet.  I need to confirm with FMU before I really let myself believe it.  I am so excited/scared/nervous/terrified to test in the morning.  I just hope that line is still there.

Rollercoaster (possible BFP and c/p mentioned)

I apologize for the radio silence these past few days.  A lot has been going on, and I wanted to be sure before I said anything.  I also didn't want to jinx it.

After my post the other day at 9 dpo, I had a temp drop below the coverline, and then my temps shot back up.  I was still having cramps and creamy/EWCM, but started to get my hopes up when my temps stayed high.  (No, I did not mark the EWCM on my chart, because when I did FF took my CH away.  But I had it from 8 dpo on.)

I also have had some serious nausea these past three days, and I even vomited a little yesterday.  I have never had this happen during the 2ww before, and was trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  And, my boobs are sore and feel like rocks.

Then, last night, I got this (click to enlarge):

 

Yes, that is a second line.  It was very very faint, but definitely there.

Of course, once I saw the line, I dipped another test.  I PIAnotherC, and that urine looked darker, so I used it for the second test instead of the same urine from my first test.  BFN.  Then I dipped another test in the original urine, but that test didn't seem to have much dye in it as even the control line was pretty light.  BFN #2.  I gave up and waited for this morning, to test with FMU.

This morning (12 dpo), I fully expected to get another BFP with FMU.  But instead I got BFN #3.

So now I don't know what to think.  The "BFP" line was pink, not gray, and wasn't an indent like I've seen others on TTCAL say they saw with evap lines or bad tests.  Also, the line was there before my urine evaporated, and it faded as the test strip dried.  So I'm really hesitant to call it an evap line.  I have also never remotely seen anything that looks like an evap line on a Wondfo HPT or OPK, and I've been using them for almost a year now.  So I really don't think that's what it was.

I was feeling cautiously excited until this afternoon, when the EWCM really picked up and I started having brown spotting.  I am still spotting now, and starting to pass some dark brown CM/tissue so I'm guessing whatever this was, is about to be over.  I am still holding out a sliver of hope that tomorrow will bring a darker BFP, but I'm not holding my breath.

So it looks like either I got a somehow got a false BFP (on a brand notorious for never having false positives), or I'm possibly having a chemical pregnancy.  :-(

Amazingly, I am not really very upset (yet).  I don't know if I'm secretly holding out hope that I really am pregnant, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if I'm relieved that at least if it was a c/p, that means me and DH were capable of getting pregnant again.

At any rate, please send good thoughts.  I will keep you all posted.

Happy news!

My BFP buddy, smzsmz2008 (back from my days on TTGP), had her little boy this afternoon!  He is absolutely precious and I am so completely thrilled for her and her husband!!!!!!!!

Congrats again my friend... He is just perfect!!!  :-)

12 dpo - BFN

Two more BFNs this morning.  Two because I dipped my first test and definitely saw "something"... there was definitely a shadow or something where the second line should be.  (This is exactly what happened the last time we got a BFP -- the line was so so faint it looked like a shadow of a line, but it was definitely there.)  I excitedly dipped a second test, hoping to replicate this second almost-line... but to no avail.  No matter how hard I looked, and no matter how many different light sources and angles I looked from, I just didn't see the same "something" on that second test.  :-(

So now I'm feeling pretty bummed and am really starting to lose hope for this cycle.  I just hate this because I was SO excited and really, truly thought that this was our month.  I mean, I get my hopes up every month, but between our awesome timing this cycle plus my chart being practically a carbon copy of my last BFP chart, I REALLY thought this was it for us.  I know I'm only 12 dpo and certainly not out yet, but it seems like if I was actually pregnant I should be getting some kind of faint faint line or something by now.  At least I didn't have a temp drop this morning, so I still have a shred of hope.  But I'm finding it really difficult to remain optimistic at this point.

I also had a depressing thought this morning.  While throwing my pity party, I realized that our EDD, January 18, 2011, is also the one-year anniversary to the day of when we started TTC.   I can't believe we have to have both of those milestones on one day.  Of course, I also can't believe we are coming up on a year of trying and still have absolutely nothing to show for it.  When we first started TTC I naively thought we would already have a baby by now... Not that we would still be trying and facing the same disappointment month after month.  I realize I will still get two (or possibly three, if my cycles cooperate) more chances to become pregnant before January, but my hope is fading fast.

I'm just feeling really defeated by the whole process at this point, especially after being so sure that this month was going to be our month.  :-(

11 dpo - BFN

Another day, another blazing white BFN... or three.

Now before you judge me, hear me out.  Like I said the other day, I only had two more of my internet cheapies left.  One was defective looking (the wicking part was sticking out the side).  Yesterday my new order of internet cheapies arrived.  And I opened them this morning to discover... they were packaged exactly like my OPKs I order from this company.  I was immediately suspicious, but opened them anyway... to discover they look exactly the same as my OPKs.  (My previous HPTs I ordered from this company are clearly marked "hcg" on the end of the strip, and these were plain pink like all of my OPKs.)

Needless to say, I was angry at this apparent mix-up and was planning to call Amazon and demand they send another order of the correct tests.  But since I had already opened this strip, I thought I'd use it anyway.  I also used a dollar store cheapie I still had, as a control, in case this new test was in fact an OPK.  Then, I decided that since I had that defective old internet cheapie, I might as well dip it too!

Well, all three of them came up very clearly negative.  Which I'm not surprised about the dollar store test;  I found they are significantly less sensitive than the internet cheapies last time I was pregnant.  The defective internet cheapie also seemed to work properly.  And, despite my previous anger, I guess Amazon did actually send me HPTs instead of OPKs, because even that one came up stark white.  (Theoretically, if we have LH in our bodies at all times, I should have gotten at least a faint line on that test... especially with concentrated FMU, right?)  So, my apologies to Amazon for my previous rage.  Although it sure will be confusing now that every single one of my internet cheapies looks exactly the same!

And last but not least... at least my chart is still looking good!

I'm wondering if that dip might be an implantation dip?  If so, I would expect to finally see a BFP either tomorrow or Monday.  The last time I got pregnant I had a dip at 7 dpo and got a suuuupppeeerrr faint BFP at 9 dpo.  In fact, DH and I didn't even call it a positive until we got another slightly less-faint second line at 10 dpo.  So... if my math is correct, and in the chance that a baby did actually implant on Thursday, then tomorrow or Monday I should be getting the good news!  Either that, or I will get my temp drop (I usually see it at 12 dpo) and be seriously bummed.  Lets hope for the former! ;-)

8 dpo and hopeful

So I  am now 8 dpo and trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  No, scratch that, I have given up on trying not to get my hopes up.   It seems like every cycle I try to not get too excited, it just hits me that much harder when I end up not being pregnant.  So I am letting myself get excited, and my hopes are high that THIS will be our month!

And really, how can I not be excited?  Just look at that chart!  Actually, this chart looks eerily similar to my chart the month I did have my BFP.  Both cycles my post-O temps very gradually increased by .1 or .2 degrees each day, and some days held steady at the same temp as the day before (other than a small implantation(?) dip at 7 dpo my BFP cycle).  All of my other charts -- both before I was pregnant and after my miscarriage -- have been much more erratic, with my post-O temps shooting up, then dropping by a few tenths of a degree, then shooting up again, etc.  The only time I have ever seen my temps rise so slowly and steadily is when I was actually pregnant... so of course I am hoping and praying that is what this chart is showing as well!

Also, this cycle is the first cycle since I was pregnant that I have had any kind of pre-AF/possible pregnancy symptoms.  Before I got pregnant I always had a few "phantom symptoms"... sore boobs, cramping, bloating, feeling more emotional, etc.  Since my miscarriage, I haven't had ANY pre-AFsymptoms -- I just see my temp drop in my chart and then my period starts, and then symptoms set in a few days later.  With this cycle, I have already been having swollen and slightly sore boobs, crazy bloat, and I have also caught myself being more emotional.  I'm of course really hoping this is a good sign too, and it definitely is only causing my hopes to get up even more!

I was originally going to try to wait until 10 dpo (Friday) to test, but I'm thinking I will probably have to test tomorrow morning.  Even though I know it is super early, I did get my first BFP at 9 dpo last time (even though me and DH didn't realize it at the time, because the line was SO faint we thought we were imagining it until I tested more clearly positive the following day).  So it is hard for me to not want to start testing at 9 dpo, since I know I could get a BFP that early!

Wish me luck!  :-)

Wonderful news! (BFP - not mine - mentioned)

I was waiting to write this post until the new momma announced on TTCAL... And since she has, I can finally share her news!

My TTCAL Buddy, liveforhim, found out on Friday that she is expecting again!!!!

I am so, SO completely thrilled for her!  We both lost our first babies within a week of each other, and after "meeting" on the MC/PL board, we have become great friends over these past few months.  We talk nearly every day, and she has been there to encourage, comfort, and pray for me during some of the most difficult days of my life.  I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the experience of losing Baby M without her!

We have both been anxiously waiting until the day when we were both pregnant again.  I'm so excited it happened for her so quickly, and it gives me hope that I too will be expecting again soon.  :-)

Congrats again, my friend!!!!!!!!  I'm sending tons of prayers your way that this will be your take-home baby!

Allow myself to introduce... myself

After reading some of the wonderfully inspiring blogs of my fellow TTCALers, I thought I might give this blog thing a go.  Not because I think my story is a particularly inspiring one, but mostly just to have a place to air my thoughts and to share my experiences with others going to through the same thing.

So, here we are.  If you read my "about me", you know I'm a twenty-something married to the best DH ever.  No, really, he truly is the most wonderful person I know.  I don't know how I could have ever gotten through the horrible experience of losing Baby M without him.  He is truly my rock, and I thank God every day that I have him in my life.  

Even before we were married, DH and I were so excited to start our family.  Naturally, we assumed we would get pregnant right away and live happily ever after with however many children we were blessed with.  We started trying for a baby in January 2010.  We were thrilled to discover we were expecting Baby M in May 2010, after five months of trying.  I actually got my first BFP on Mother's Day.  We were ecstatic, to say the least!

I called and made my first doctor's appointment right away.  Because I have longer-than-average cycles, I told my doctor I was a week behind the date his nurse had assigned me using her stupid little "pregnancy wheel".  My doctor ordered an ultrasound to confirm, and of course Baby M measured to the day according to my calculations.  I was only 5 weeks 1 day, so my doctor ordered another ultrasound for two weeks later to check our baby's heartbeat.  

DH and I anxiously awaited our second ultrasound.  I was so very, very excited until Ultrasound Day rolled around.  I even told DH that I was feeling a bit nervous as we walked into the clinic.  Of course, I had no clue that we would actually get bad news.  I will never forget the feeling of my heart dropping when the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't find a heartbeat.  I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for the announcement that our baby was dead.  Baby M had passed a week before, and I was none the wiser.  I was still experiencing minor nausea, my boobs were still swollen, and my bloat was still out of this world.  I hadn't even had any spotting or any other inclination that anything was wrong.  

I remember going home from the ultrasound that afternoon feeling numb.  I couldn't believe our baby was already gone.  The baby we had waited for and wanted so badly.  The baby we had only just begun to know.  I loved Baby M from the moment I knew of his or her existence, and now he/she was gone.  

I decided I didn't want a D&C unless absolutely medically necessary.  I opted to wait for a few days to see if my body would catch up and "take care of things" on its own.  It didn't.  On June 7, 2010, I opted to take misoprostol to induce a miscarriage, in the hopes of avoiding surgery.  Thankfully (if you can even say that word regarding pregnancy loss), the misoprostol worked.  I passed Baby M at home, with DH by my side.  

Losing Baby M was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  During this experience, a good friend of mine comforted me by telling me that all Baby M knew was love;  he or she never had to suffer here in the world.  I have carried that message with me, and it continues to bring me peace.  I know that Baby M is in heaven with God, looking down on me and DH.  And I know that one day, DH and I will finally be reunited with our first miracle.  

Love you Baby M.  <3