Conflicted

(NOTE:  I apologize in advance for this long and rambling post!)

These past few weeks, I have been really, really conflicted about going back to work after Baby C arrives.

Ever since DH and I started talking about having kids, I've thought about how wonderful it would be to be able to stay home with them, at least while they are young.  Now that we have been through so much, and waited so long, to finally have a baby, I seriously cannot imagine how I will be able to leave him or her and go back to work.  Especially to a job that I don't love.  I already fight back tears just thinking about it, and I'm only 9 weeks pregnant!  I cannot imagine how much more strongly I will feel about it 30ish weeks from now.

The problem with this scenario is, DH and I aren't sure how we could afford for me to stay home.  DH is in medical school, and while he receives loan money each semester, its not enough to pay all of our bills.  I am the only one bringing in any real income, but it is still barely enough for us to scrape by.  Also, my current (government) job is grant-funded, our state is cutting the budget, and jobs, like crazy... and I haven't yet heard whether my grant will be renewed for the next year.  So, I may be unemployed and four months pregnant come June.  Obviously not ideal.

Before Baby C came along, I had been looking for another job, but there are just zero employment opportunities for attorneys in our area right now.  On a whim, I did apply for a different job a few weeks ago, not expecting to actually hear anything.  I got a call on Wednesday and had an interview on Friday.  My thoughts on how the interview went aside, this whole experience has really thrown me into a mid-pregnancy life crisis.  I'm not sure I want this new job.  I'm not sure I want to leave my current job that I feel mediocre towards, but where I love the people I work with and where my boss is super awesome and understanding, where I can pretty much come and go as I please, and where I would be eligible for FMLA come November... for a new job that pays barely more than I make now, in a different city that would involve a longer commute every day, where I probably wouldn't have the same flexibility, and where they would not be required to give me one second off when I have Baby C.  I also feel ethically weird about accepting a new job now, knowing I will need time off to have a baby six months after I start.

That, and I'm pretty sure I don't want any job, other than just being "Mommy".

Of course, none of this may even become an issue.  They probably won't even offer me this job.  Maybe my grant won't get renewed.  But then I have no idea what we will do.  I'm toying with the idea of going back to school.  I could do an online degree program through the university in our city, which would make me eligible for financial aid and would put my law school loans back into deferment, which would be a huge relief financially.  With a few minor adjustments to our lifestyle, we could most likely swing me not working if I was "back in school".  This would probably be the only way we could afford for me to stay home... I just don't know. 

I just don't want to be depressed and miserable over whichever option I choose. 

9 weeks

I seriously cannot believe I am writing this post right now.  HOW did I make it 9 WEEKS already?!  It blows my mind.

I'm still having a ton of food aversions and feeling pretty nauseous most of the time.  I was feeling better yesterday, then me and DH went out for a big lunch with some family who came to town.  I seriously think I ate more at that lunch yesterday than I ate this entire past week combined!  Then I felt like I was going to vomit for the rest of the day.  (It was totally worth it though!  haha)

Also... I can't believe how big my belly is getting already!  I know it is still 99% bloat at this point, but this also boggles my mind.  I'm wondering how much of it will go away when I quit my progesterone supplements in the next week or two.

 

How far along?  9 weeks, 1 day.

Weight gain/loss:   Down 0.4 pounds from last week, even after the large amount of food I ate yesterday.  (No doubt because I still can't stand the thought of food most days.)  Up 0.4 pounds total from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes?  All maternity pants now, thanks to my new purchase the other day!  Also, my belly is now big enough that I can wear my demi-panel Gap jeans (pictured above).  I LOVE them! 

Stretch marks?  Nope.

Sleep?  Still no trouble sleeping.  I am slightly less fatigued than before, but it comes and goes.

Best moment this week?  Seeing Baby C again at our 8 week u/s, and knowing he or she is still doing super awesome. 

Food cravings:  None really this week.  I've been too repulsed by the thought of food to actually crave any!

Gender:  DH and I are still divided -- Me saying boy, him saying girl.

Belly button in or out?  In.

Movement?  Way too early.

What I miss?  Enjoying eating food and not dreading meals.

What I'm looking forward to:  The end of my first trimester!

Milestones:  Buying pants that were long enough(!), being able to wear my other maternity jeans, and telling my boss I was pregnant.  What can I say, it was a big week.  ;-)

Pants party!

I know, I know, so much about pants lately! But I am so excited I just had to share... I BOUGHT A PAIR OF PANTS!!! AND THEY ARE LONG ENOUGH! Hooray!

At the suggestion of another Bumpie (and after an "I'm so frustrated I'm going to cry" post on PgAL), I went back to Motherhood Maternity to look for their "long" dress pants. They had one pair in the store, in my size, in long. And, despite being labeled as a 34 inch inseam, they FIT!!! I seriously still can't believe it, but I am so relieved! With my next paycheck I plan to buy some more. haha I'm so excited!

So, if any of you readers out there find yourself too tall for maternity pants, try the longs at Motherhood Maternity! And they also have "petites" for all you shorties, *cough* Christina *cough* ;-)

WHOO HOO!!!!

Told my boss and pants rant

I told my boss yesterday. She was so happy for me and DH that she started crying! She said she has been praying for us for months, and was really hoping to hear good news soon since I'd had so many doctor's appointments lately. So I am super glad I told her. I can't wait to get a little farther along and tell everyone else! :-)

And now, my rant. I officially have one pair of work pants that fit my ever-expanding bloat-bump. Unfortunately, I also wear a 36-37 inch inseam, and not one maternity clothing manufacturer makes pants that are long enough to fit me. I went to every store that sells maternity clothing this afternoon and completely struck out. I am apparently too tall to have the luxury of wearing pants while pregnant. :-( So frustrating! If anyone has any suggestions, I am ALL ears.

8 week ultrasound and appt

Look how big Baby C is!  Measuring exactly on target and now with a heart rate of 180.  The ultrasound tech kept commenting on how "great" and "wonderful" everything looks, which is so nice to hear.  And look, Baby C was looking right at us, and even waving at us the whole time!  (Ok, ok, I know his/her limbs are kind of stuck like that right now... but I prefer to think he or she is waving!  lol)

So now all I have left is my last RE appointment on the 25th (so sad), and then I will start seeing my old OB regularly.  I actually had my OB intake appointment with the nurse this afternoon right before my ultrasound appointment.  It went better than my last one (mentioned here), but was still annoying.  The nurse taking my medical history didn't even know what a chemical pregnancy was, so I had to explain it to her and then tell her over and over how many losses/pregnancies I've had.  I can't tell you how fun THAT was.  (At least she was nice and not a raging you-know-what like my last intake nurse.) Then I had to go for blood work.  More fun!

So that was pretty much it today.  My next two appointments will be the afternoon of the 25th.  DH and I decided that its probably time I should tell my boss, since things seem to be going well and I will need to continue missing work for doctor's appointments.  She also already knows most of our loss history, so news of my pregnancy will not be shocking to her.   She actually had a full-term stillbirth herself years ago, so she completely empathizes with me and has been awesomely understanding through this whole process.  I am sure she will be thrilled for us, so I'm not too nervous to tell her.  I think I'm going to do it tomorrow.

Eek!  This is really finally starting to feel real!

8 weeks

I apologize for the lack of blog posts lately, but staring at computer screens still makes me want to puke.  (This makes my days at work SUPER DUPER fun!)  Hopefully I will be back in blogger-mode soon!

How far along?  8 weeks, 1 day.

Weight gain/loss:   Up 0.8 pounds total from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes?  Still just maternity jeans... but I'm starting to look for some new maternity work pants.  Mine no longer fit comfortably, even with the rubberband-through-the-button hole maneuver.

Stretch marks?  Nope.

Sleep?  I am finally starting to feel less exhausted all the time.  It's awesome.

Best moment this week?  Officially being more pregnant than ever before -- I passed that milestone on Monday (7 weeks, 2 days).  What a relief.

Food cravings:  This week, it was corn dogs, baked beans, cheese fries, and sloppy joes.  I succeeded at getting all of them, except for the cheese fries.  haha

Gender:  I had a dream last night that I gave birth to our baby, and it was a boy.  Chinese gender chart also says we're having a boy.  I, of course, still think its a boy.  But DH is still thinking girl! 

Belly button in or out?  In.

Movement?  Way too early.

What I miss?  Not feeling self-conscious in every article of clothing I put on.

What I'm looking forward to:  Our 8 week appointment tomorrow!  Hoping to see Baby C moving around, and to get another photo.  :-)

Milestones:  Being more pregnant than ever.  There were days (weeks, even) where I wondered if I would ever get to be as pregnant as I am now.  It is such a surreal feeling.  I still can't believe I've made it 8 weeks!

7 weeks

Staring at a computer screen is now one of my triggers for nausea, so this will be quick.  I'm also not sure how frequently I will be posting until I feel better, but I will at least try to keep up with these weekly posts!

How far along?  7 weeks, 1 day.

Weight gain/loss:   No change from last week.  Still bloated (obviously!).

Maternity clothes?  Just maternity jeans so far.

Stretch marks?  None.

Sleep?  I wish I could sleep all day.

Best moment this week?  Seeing Baby C's heartbeat!!!  I have never been so relieved in my life.  It was amazing.

Food cravings:  My only real craving this week was a BK Whopper.  It was seriously the only thing I thought I could eat on Friday morning.  So I did.  haha (But I had to pick out the onions... more on that in a minute!)

Gender:  I still think it is a boy, but DH says girl.

Belly button in or out?  In.

Movement?  Way too early.

What I miss?  Having energy to do anything other than lay on the couch.

What I'm looking forward to:  The end of the first trimester so we can feel safer telling the rest of our friends and family about Baby C.

Milestones:  I had my first real food aversion this week... raw onions.  I ate some in a salad one day and seriously wanted to vomit the entire rest of the day due to the horrible taste they left in my mouth.  I haven't been able to eat them since, and even the smell of them makes my stomach turn!