Drumroll please...

Well, there is no doubt about it this time. I got not one, not two, but THREE BFPs this morning!!!!  

I also had betas drawn today.  They came back at 28.6!!!  Depending upon what beta chart you look at, that number is either exactly average or slightly above average for 12 dpo.  Houston, we have a baby!

I go back to the RE on Saturday morning for my second beta draw.  DH and I are slightly nervous but mostly cautiously excited.  The fact that this baby has stayed put long enough to have a positive beta makes me feel like we've already reached a huge milestone.  (This is the first positive beta I've had since Baby M; none of my chemical pregnancies made it long enough to be detected on a blood test.)  Now we just have to make sure he or she doubles the hCG before Saturday!

And, just for fun, here's my BFP chart.  According to FF, our EDD is 11/19/11.  :-)

Decisions

DH and I have been talking about our TTC efforts recently.  Basically, we agree that what we are doing isn't working and something needs to change.

After some more research, discussion with a doctor friend who frequently prescribes fertility meds, and a healthy dose of heartbreak and desperation, DH and I are revisiting the idea of Clomid.  We are still both a little skeptical of the risks, but we have been assured that the risks associated with using the minimum dose for only a few cycles are very, very small.  We are hoping that it will at least give me shorter, more regular cycles and thus give us more chances at conceiving a healthy baby.  Plus, it seems to be the only real option left to try before more invasive and expensive treatments, and it sure as heck is cheaper than adoption. 

SO, if we are not successful this cycle, we are going to give Clomid a go.  If the Clomid doesn't work, then we will move forward with foster-adoption this summer. 

The foster-adopt situation is another reason why I am willing to reconsider Clomid.  I'm afraid we might be at a bit of a roadblock when it comes to foster-adoption.  I have continued looking into it, and it seems like fostering-to-adopt a newborn would be nearly impossible for us right now.  The main obstacle:  one parent must be able to stay home full-time in order to receive a newborn placement.  While I knew going into this that a stay-at-home-parent was looked favorably upon, I did not realize that, in practice (in our area at least), it is essentially a requirement, because infants in foster care cannot go to daycare until they are 12 weeks old.  Another obstacle is my job.  I work in child welfare, and have direct access to every case file on every family in our county whose children are in foster care.  I'm not sure how this would affect our eligibility to foster parent, but I am pretty sure that's a gigantic conflict of interest.  So basically, I would either need to quit my job (which we absolutely cannot afford at this point, as much as I hate to admit that), find a new job (which is impossible in this economy -- I know, I've been looking for months), or win the lottery so we can afford a private adoption.  *SIGH*

So, that is pretty much where we are at right now:  one more cycle au naturale, a few tries with Clomid, then moving to foster-adoption and praying that somehow it will work out for us.

Someday, somehow, we ARE going to be parents.

CD1

Bright red bleeding today.  Chemical pregnancy #3 confirmed.

I cannot believe this happened to us again.

BFP and BFNs

Sorry for the silence these past several days.  I was waiting in the hopes that I could actually write that post about eating my words.  

I got a BFP on Thursday, at 11 dpo.  A clear, but faint, pink line that appeared before the 5 minute read time allowed by my tests. 

I was so excited, I was shaking.  I have never seen a line that clear appear that quickly before, so I thought that surely this must be it!  I immediately tried confirming with another internet cheapie, which came up negative.  I ran and grabbed one of my FRERs, thinking surely it would confirm my positive.  Of course it was a BFN.  I was slightly disheartened, but thought maybe I just got lucky with a super sensitive cheapie and that it was just too early for these other tests.  

Friday morning I tested again, fully expecting to confirm my positive result from the day before.  Two more BFNs.  

At this point I called my doctors office again.  My RE wanted me to come in for a beta and to check my progesterone levels, so I went yesterday morning.  I really, truly thought I would get a positive result.  The nurse called yesterday afternoon:  my betas came back as "below 5" (obviously NOT pregnant) and my progesterone level was 6.78 (9 is the minimum they want to see for pregnancy).  

To say I was upset by this news is an understatement.  At best, the machine in their lab hadn't been properly calibrated before they ran my test, and the numbers were just off.  At worst (and most likely), I was pregnant and now I'm not.  And the nurse wasn't very helpful, she just kept telling me it was too early and I shouldn't even be testing yet because this is what happens.  (She was nice about it, but still, not helpful at this point!)  The nurse said I could either continue taking my progesterone and they could test my levels again on Monday, or stop the progesterone and wait for my period.  I decided to keep taking it and keep testing this weekend and see what happens. 

So far, another BFN this morning, but my temp is still rising.  I'm not hopeful, but I'm not giving up until the fat AF sings.

Hysteroscopy results

Well, I had my hysteroscopy today.  And I have to say, it was definitely worse than a pap.

I didn't really feel anything at all while my RE was prepping me and injecting the saline.  But as soon as he inserted the camera, my entire cervix/uterine region started violently cramping like nothing I've ever felt before.  At one point I really thought I might pass out.  It wasn't even pain, really, just extreme, intense cramps radiating through my body.  It was really, really uncomfortable, but thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  After the actual procedure was over, my cramping subsided pretty quickly.  I have still been having bouts of cramping on and off all afternoon -- and leaking saline and iodine, fun! -- but my RE warned me this would probably happen and is totally normal.  (I actually had several pretty strong cramps just as I was sitting up to write this; I think my ute might be dealing with some PTSD!) 

The good news is that my RE did not find any abnormal tissue in my uterus!  He said my cervix and ute look great, and my tubes (what he could see of them, at least) are totally clear. Which is WONDERFUL news!  He thinks the dark spot he saw on the ultrasound must have been either a blood clot or a growth of uterine lining/polyp that shed itself during one of these past two cycles since the ultrasound.  At any rate, I am completely healthy and do not need surgery -- for which I am so, so thankful and totally relieved to hear. 

So, the official diagnosis:  recurrent pregnancy loss due to poor quality uterine lining.  (At this point, my RE does not think we need to do an RPL panel, since those primarily test for genetic issues and clotting disorders.  He still does not believe either of these are my issue, since both would manifest themselves later in a pregnancy, after implantation, and I obviously am not even getting that far.)  He did prescribe progesterone that I am to start taking this cycle after ovulation.  He seems to think this will improve my lining and increase my chance of having a successful implantation, so I'm definitely ready to give it a try.  I am just so relieved to finally have a real diagnosis, and that my diagnosis is something that we can easily treat!

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement yesterday and today, both here and on TTCAL.  It means more to me than you know!

Appointment today, hysteroscopy tomorrow

I had my RE appointment today.  He does believe I had chemical pregnancies these past two cycles.  Because I have already had pretty much every hormone level imaginable tested, and we've ruled out PCOS, he believes I am having an issue with implantation.  (This was also the non-medical opinion of me and DH, so I'm glad we are all on the same page.)

When I got to his office for my appointment, he was looking at my ultrasound from when they checked my ovaries back in November.  (One of the many things I love about this RE is that we always meet in his personal office, not in some sterile exam room, and he always talks to me like a person and not at me like I'm just some medical chart.  But I digress.)  He was looking at a side profile of my ute and showed me this small dark spot.  He said he had noticed it before, but because at that point he was concerned about PCOS, and I had no symptoms to suggest a problem with my ute, he didn't think anything of it.  But now that I've had two failed implantations, he believes that dark spot may be something in my uterus which is preventing implantation.  He said it is probably a polyp, which are apparently very common and almost always benign.  But there is a very small possibility it could also be retained tissue from my miscarriage, or something else, or it could be nothing at all.

At any rate, he wanted to go in and get a good look at it.  So, I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy tomorrow.  If there is a polyp or some other tissue, he said that is likely the cause of my chemical pregnancies, because anything abnormal in the uterus can affect the lining and prevent implantation.  If it turns out there is nothing out of the ordinary inside my ute, then he believes there is an issue with my lining, which he said we could easily treat with progesterone. 

I'm not really even nervous for this procedure tomorrow, just anxious to see what my RE finds.  He said most patients report it is no worse than a pap smear, but I may have some cramping afterwards.  So it doesn't sound like that big of a deal.  I am slightly nervous he might find something in my uterus that will need to come out, but either way, at least we will have finally pinpointed a problem that can be corrected pretty easily.  And that would be such a relief.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have an answer either way!

@^$*&#^$&*@#(&)&@!!!

This morning I got another BFN, followed by AF.

I can't believe this happened to me two cycles in a row.  I freaking hate my body and I hate this.