Oops...

I went out of town this weekend, and completely forgot to take my thermometer with me! This wouldn't normally be a problem, except I am probably ovulating right now but have no temp for Saturday or Sunday to compare to tomorrow's to confirm. Oops!

On a related note, I got the darkest, most positive OPK ever in life yesterday. I'm not even kidding, the test line was so dark you could barely even see the control line! I have never seen that happen before. And I know it wasn't just one bad test, because I got that dark of a line both times I tested yesterday. I joked with DH that maybe I'll be releasing quadruplets! lol (But no, really, that would be awesome. Maybe then we'd finally have a shot of one sticking around.)

I guess we will be finding out soon!

Thank you all

Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts yesterday. I appreciate it more than you know!

EDD

I have thought about writing this post all day.  I hadn't said anything yet, because I honestly didn't know what else to say.

Tomorrow is my EDD.  DH and I should have been meeting Baby M this week.  And while I have fixated on this milestone, now that it is only a few hours away, it all feels very surreal.  I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that we could have had a newborn any day now.

Maybe it is just a defense mechanism to keep myself from feeling depressed, but I truly just feel numb.  After the roller coaster of these past 7 1/2 months, tomorrow feels like just another day.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still remember the exhilarating excitement me and DH shared when we found out we were expecting.  I also remember the heart-shattering, devastating sadness I felt when the u/s tech told us there was no heartbeat.  And I still miss Baby M just as much as I did when I realized he or she was gone.  But thankfully, every day continues to get a little bit easier.  And I'm comforted by the fact that Baby M is in heaven with God, watching over me and DH, and knowing how much we love him or her.

Thinking of you Baby M, tomorrow and always. <3

Blog award!

I'm excited to announce that I have received my first blog award from Joanna at Pregnancy, Miscarriage, & Life with Chronic Pain!  Me and Joanna unfortunately share some similar experiences, and she has offered me a lot of encouragement as we both struggle with TTC.  You should definitely go check out her blog!

 
Now on to the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.  (Check!)
2. Share 7 things about yourself.  (See below - Check!)
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.  (See below - Check!)
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!  (Check!)

Seven things about myself:

1. I am a problem-solver and a perfectionist.  I think this is why I am having such a mental struggle over trying to get (and stay) pregnant.  I have never failed at anything in my life; I've always been able to make it happen if I worked at it hard enough.  Obviously this does not apply in TTC, and I think that is one of the hardest things for me to cope with.
2. I am the oldest of five children.  When my siblings were younger, I had to help my mother a lot, and there was a time when I did not think I ever wanted to have children because they were so much work.  My view on this has of course since changed.  But I am thankful to have gotten so much hands-on experience raising my younger siblings, because I think it will make me a better mother when the time does come.
3. I really hope our kids get my blue eyes, and DH's dimples.  :-)
4. I really want to lose 10 pounds, but I have no desire to exercise or cut back on all of the good foods I enjoy.  (Besides, I'll need those 10 pounds to feed our hypothetical baby when I'm so nauseated from morning sickness that I can't keep anything down... right?)
5. I have a love-hate relationship with cooking.  Sometimes it is fun and I enjoy creating new meal ideas, but some days it feels like the biggest chore ever in life.
6. I don't love my job.  But it is a paycheck and health insurance, and I feel like I can't complain in this economy, when I know so many others are struggling to put food on the table and would love to have any job at all.
7. I finally got the fancy camera I wanted for Christmas this year, and I am really getting into photography as a hobby.  I love it!

Award fifteen great bloggers:  (I actually goofed and awarded sixteen... but thats ok because they are all great at what they do!)

1. Shanna at Wishing...Hoping...Waiting
2. Mary at The Great Elephant Symposium
3. Christina at The Curse of the Chewed Buddha 
4. Missy at ...And Baby Makes Three
5. Mrs. Z at Come Blog With Me
6. Sylvia at Clear as Mud
7. Colinda at The Port of Indecision
8. Bobbi at When Did I Go From a Kid to a Grown-Up?
9. Mrs. H at A Second Line
10. Ginger at Winter Baby
11. Liz at Womb for Improvement
12. L&R70707 at An Element of Blank
13. Elise at WildeZoo
14. TERogers at A New State of Normal
15. Mrs. Later than Most at Later Than Most
16. Randi at Life As Me

Well, I think that's about it.  Thanks so much for the award, Joanna!  I really appreciate it!  :-)

Hysteroscopy results

Well, I had my hysteroscopy today.  And I have to say, it was definitely worse than a pap.

I didn't really feel anything at all while my RE was prepping me and injecting the saline.  But as soon as he inserted the camera, my entire cervix/uterine region started violently cramping like nothing I've ever felt before.  At one point I really thought I might pass out.  It wasn't even pain, really, just extreme, intense cramps radiating through my body.  It was really, really uncomfortable, but thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  After the actual procedure was over, my cramping subsided pretty quickly.  I have still been having bouts of cramping on and off all afternoon -- and leaking saline and iodine, fun! -- but my RE warned me this would probably happen and is totally normal.  (I actually had several pretty strong cramps just as I was sitting up to write this; I think my ute might be dealing with some PTSD!) 

The good news is that my RE did not find any abnormal tissue in my uterus!  He said my cervix and ute look great, and my tubes (what he could see of them, at least) are totally clear. Which is WONDERFUL news!  He thinks the dark spot he saw on the ultrasound must have been either a blood clot or a growth of uterine lining/polyp that shed itself during one of these past two cycles since the ultrasound.  At any rate, I am completely healthy and do not need surgery -- for which I am so, so thankful and totally relieved to hear. 

So, the official diagnosis:  recurrent pregnancy loss due to poor quality uterine lining.  (At this point, my RE does not think we need to do an RPL panel, since those primarily test for genetic issues and clotting disorders.  He still does not believe either of these are my issue, since both would manifest themselves later in a pregnancy, after implantation, and I obviously am not even getting that far.)  He did prescribe progesterone that I am to start taking this cycle after ovulation.  He seems to think this will improve my lining and increase my chance of having a successful implantation, so I'm definitely ready to give it a try.  I am just so relieved to finally have a real diagnosis, and that my diagnosis is something that we can easily treat!

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement yesterday and today, both here and on TTCAL.  It means more to me than you know!

Appointment today, hysteroscopy tomorrow

I had my RE appointment today.  He does believe I had chemical pregnancies these past two cycles.  Because I have already had pretty much every hormone level imaginable tested, and we've ruled out PCOS, he believes I am having an issue with implantation.  (This was also the non-medical opinion of me and DH, so I'm glad we are all on the same page.)

When I got to his office for my appointment, he was looking at my ultrasound from when they checked my ovaries back in November.  (One of the many things I love about this RE is that we always meet in his personal office, not in some sterile exam room, and he always talks to me like a person and not at me like I'm just some medical chart.  But I digress.)  He was looking at a side profile of my ute and showed me this small dark spot.  He said he had noticed it before, but because at that point he was concerned about PCOS, and I had no symptoms to suggest a problem with my ute, he didn't think anything of it.  But now that I've had two failed implantations, he believes that dark spot may be something in my uterus which is preventing implantation.  He said it is probably a polyp, which are apparently very common and almost always benign.  But there is a very small possibility it could also be retained tissue from my miscarriage, or something else, or it could be nothing at all.

At any rate, he wanted to go in and get a good look at it.  So, I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy tomorrow.  If there is a polyp or some other tissue, he said that is likely the cause of my chemical pregnancies, because anything abnormal in the uterus can affect the lining and prevent implantation.  If it turns out there is nothing out of the ordinary inside my ute, then he believes there is an issue with my lining, which he said we could easily treat with progesterone. 

I'm not really even nervous for this procedure tomorrow, just anxious to see what my RE finds.  He said most patients report it is no worse than a pap smear, but I may have some cramping afterwards.  So it doesn't sound like that big of a deal.  I am slightly nervous he might find something in my uterus that will need to come out, but either way, at least we will have finally pinpointed a problem that can be corrected pretty easily.  And that would be such a relief.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have an answer either way!

Called my RE

I called my RE's office yesterday to let them know what had happened these past few cycles and to see if they might want me to come in.  I didn't speak with my RE directly, but I did speak with his nurse who said it sounds like I had two chemical pregnancies.

My doctor did want to see me again, so I have an appointment scheduled for Wednesday.  I will be interested to see what he says, and what he thinks our next steps should be.