I totally caved (BFN)

So today was 9 dpo.  I really was going to wait until tomorrow to start testing, but I totally caved.  

I originally wasn't going to test because DH's family was coming over today, and in the off chance I actually did get a BFP I didn't think there would be any way DH and I would be able to keep it a secret from them.  So I was going to wait until at least tomorrow morning to start testing.  But then after DH's parents left, I realized I hadn't peed in over four hours (it was a busy morning, and I didn't have time to drink many liquids!), so I figured I might as well test.  Well, shocker, I got a BFN.

I'm not surprised at all.  I actually am feeling pretty ambivalent about this cycle.  I was feeling really good about our timing, but then I had some EWCM last night (which always means AF is less than 24 hours away) and some cramping, so I just assumed we were out this cycle.  Although I was perplexed, since it was only 8 dpo and my LPs have consistently been 12 dpo every cycle (except for one that was 13 dpo).  My temps are also not stellar, but still above the coverline.  (I think this is partly because they were uncharacteristically high pre-ovulation, which I attribute to me now sleeping in sweats and with extra blankets on the bed, since its gotten so cold here.)  

So, if you followed all of that boring blabber about my chart, you will see why I thought this cycle was a bust.  Well, today I had a **TMI alert** large mass of sticky CM, no more EWCM, and of course still no AF.  So now I am back to thinking maybe we still have a shot.  I'm crossing my fingers big time and hoping tomorrow's testing goes better.

Spreading our news

We told my parents and siblings about our foster-adopt plans this weekend.  As I expected, they were all supportive.  My dad and stepmom didn't say too much about it (I think they got their hopes up when I said "we have news!" that it would be THAT news...), but my mom and siblings were SO excited and had the best reaction ever!  They all got these huge grins on their faces and couldn't stop smiling, and asked us lots of excited questions.  I'm so glad we told them and that they are all so happy for us.  Of course, I expected nothing less from them, but it still is a relief to know they support our decision and are as excited as we are about this!

Its beginning to look a lot like...

Ovulation!

I think I *finally* ovulated yesterday!  I say finally because this is still so early for me, even though this time was still three days later than my record-setting early ovulation last month.  I'm happy DH and I had great timing this cycle -- both of those "PM"s you see were around or after midnight, so technically its more like O-2 and O-1 instead of O-3 and O-2 how it looks on my chart.  Yay!  I'm hoping our timing was early enough for some spermies to get a good head start swimming up the long journey to my wide-set ovaries!

Please keep your fingers crossed that this will be our lucky cycle!!!  :-)

Happy news!

My BFP buddy, smzsmz2008 (back from my days on TTGP), had her little boy this afternoon!  He is absolutely precious and I am so completely thrilled for her and her husband!!!!!!!!

Congrats again my friend... He is just perfect!!!  :-)

A big announcement, and new (tentative) plan

Last night DH and I had our first real conversation about how much longer we were willing to TTC before exploring other options.  We have been discussing all of our options in the abstract for awhile now, but this was the first time we have seriously planned out where to go from here.  I'm really excited with what we decided.

We both agree that we are not comfortable starting Clomid right now, due to the risks and potential side effects involved.  Plus, I am ovulating on my own, so I'm not sure how much Clomid would actually help me anyway.  (Maybe we will re-evaluate this option further down the road, but neither me nor DH thinks this is the best choice for us at this time.)

So, that said... we have made the decision that, if we still can't get pregnant the next few cycles, we will move forward with adoption.  Specifically, we want to pursue foster-adopt, and with the hopes of being able to accept a placement this summer.  Adoption is something we both have wanted to pursue eventually anyway, regardless of whether we had any biological children.  We are just speeding up the process a bit.  :-)

Neither one of us is giving up on the idea of biological children, but we both want to be parents so badly and don't want to wait any longer to expand our family.  Of course if I did become pregnant that would be awesome, but I also have never had the burning desire that I MUST have biological children.  But I have always felt very strongly that I wanted to adopt children someday, and especially lately I have really been feeling a pull towards foster-adopt. 

I have been praying for nearly a year now for God to send us a child, and I am starting to wonder if maybe this is how He wants us to expand our family.  I have faith that He will make us parents one way or another.  I have done a lot of research on foster-adopt and really think it will be a good fit for me and DH.  I have also done several adoptions as an attorney, so I feel like I have a good idea of everything involved and that DH and I are pretty prepared to take this step.  And I am so happy to know that DH and I are on the same page, and that we have a real plan for moving forward!

Funny timing

Another blog I read shared this link about how much Facebook pregnancy announcements suck.  Interesting timing, considering that ANOTHER freaking person I know announced last night that they are also expecting.

I'm seriously not even mad at this point... this is just getting ridiculous!

In other news, I am hopeful that maybe I will ovulate early again this cycle.  My OPKs are already starting to get darker (if you recall, I'm a "slow-fade" kind of gal), and I'm only CD14!  Also, FF just gave me 5 free VIP days, so you know, that is exciting too.  Whoo hoo!

Other than that, not much to write about.  Work has been insanely busy these past two weeks, and I'm just trying to stay sane with that while waiting to ovulate.  Hopefully I will have more exciting news to report soon.

"The Best Advice I Ever Received"

This post came up in my blog reader this morning, and it was so good I just had to share.  I would have shared snippets of my favorite parts, but couldn't find a way to do so and still do justice to the original post.  So you should just check it out for yourself over on Stirrup Queens. :-)

Of course

So I wake up and check Facebook, only to find...  ANOTHER pregnancy announcement this morning. Are you kidding me?

Yet another...

...girl I know announced her pregnancy on Facebook today.  Seriously?  I really think I now know more pregnant people than not. 

I'm really not even upset about this one.  I truly am happy for her and she is a great person.  I just wish it was my turn to be making the announcement for once.

That felt good

Remember the obnoxious girl I mentioned in my previous post?  She had a stupid Facebook status about eating pickles up today.  I blocked her. 

That felt awesome.

Frustrated

I've been feeling really frustrated lately.

Frustrated, of course, that it is taking us so long to conceive a healthy baby.

Frustrated that I probably only have one, maybe two, more chances to get pregnant before our EDD/one-year anniversary of TTC (yes, both of those lovely milestones are on the same day).

Frustrated that everyone else in the world is having babies except for me and DH (including the annoying girl from law school who I cannot stand, and cannot be happy for, no matter how hard I try).

Frustrated that me not being happy for other people's pregnancy annoucements makes me feel like a monster.

Frustrated that (well-meaning) people constantly make comments about when we are going to have kids, and frustrated with how that makes me feel (like I want to punch them in the face, and then go cry).

Frustrated that people who do know about our struggles keep saying the wrong douchebag things ("Maybe it will happen when you stop thinking about it"... thanks Mom!).

Frustrated that there is nothing medically wrong with me, and there is nothing more we can do... and yet I still cannot get pregnant (despite having perfect timing every.single.cycle.).

And worst of all, I'm frustrated that DH is getting frustrated with me.  He is so incredibly supportive, but I know he struggles with watching me on my sad days.  I know he hates seeing me sad.  And its not like I'm sad all the time, but some days are more difficult than others.  I know I'm ok, but I think DH is starting to worry.  I just wish I could go back to being my old, happy (99.9% of the time) self, and not worry about these things... and not be so frustrated about all of these things I can't control.  :-(