New look

Today during the pity party I was throwing for myself, I decided my blog needed a new look. After much tinkering with the (lame) Blogger templates, I think it looks pretty snazzy! ;-)

CD1

On to month 11 of trying. :-(

Game over

This morning I got another BFN at 12 dpo. At that point I was pretty sure this cycle would be another big fat failure.

This was confirmed when I got some red spotting this evening. I expect tomorrow will be full-on AF.

*sigh*

11 dpo - BFN

Another day, another BFN. I know its still early, but I'm starting to get nervous. My temps still look good though and I'm trying to stay positive. Gah.

10 dpo - BFN

Another BFN this morning and a .1 degree temp drop. But its obviously still super early so I'm trying not to worry yet.

And we're back

Back up with the temps, that is...  98.2 this morning, to be exact.

Also, I totally caved and tested this morning.  BFN.  Big Freakin' Surprise.

Well that's interesting...

8 dpo and a gigantic temp dip (for me).  Its too soon for AF... Implantation maybe?  I had a .2 degree implantation dip the last time I was pregnant, but I've never seen a dip like this past O.  Hmmmmm.....

Test results -- round 2

Yesterday was my follow-up RE appointment to go over my test results.

Drum roll please?

They found... nothing! Every single test they ran, my hormone levels came back exactly smack in the middle of the normal range.  Which is of course great news that I am healthy, but it definitely doesn't make me any less frustrated.  Actually, I think it is more frustrating, because at least if something was wrong we could actively work on fixing it.  My RE did suggest I start Clomid next cycle, but I don't think I'm comfortable taking that step yet (and I know DH isn't). 

While I was at my appointment, I also asked my RE about what the tech said about my ovaries being really far apart.  He said this was not a problem, and that he has never had a patient where that was what was keeping her from getting pregnant.  I asked if he thought a super-long journey through my tubes might be causing decreased egg quality, and if it might have contributed to our loss.  He assured me that he did not believe this was an issue.  He also said he didn't see any cysts or anything on my ovaries from the ultrasound, which is of course also great news.

So, the official diagnosis?  Unexplained anovulation.  It is frustrating, but I just keep telling myself that at least I am healthy and that we are doing everything we can do to have another baby.  I think we're going to just keep trying and praying for a few more cycles, and then maybe re-evaluate the Clomid option.  I really hope we get a BFP soon so we don't even have to consider it.

Yay for ovulation!

Wow, sorry I have majorly been neglecting my blog this week! I have been so busy and so exhausted by the time I get home that I just haven't been able to update.

But yes, I did actually ovulate on CD20! Which puts me at 5 dpo today. I'm going to try to hold out at least 5 more days before testing, but we will see if that actually happens. lol

Holy crap

I think I ovulated yesterday. On CD20. That would be the earliest I have EVER ovulated and would give me the shortest cycle I've ever had in my life!

It would figure this would happen this month, since I've been undergoing the battery of tests to find out why I wasn't ovulating regularly. lol

I had a +OPK on CD18 and CD19, tons of EWCM these past few days, and a temp spike this morning. *Fingers crossed* I actually did ovulate!!!

On an unrelated note, I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a daughter. In my dream we named her our girl's first name (we don't have a middle name yet in real life), and then gave her my mother's middle name as her middle name. The combination of names actually sounds really pretty together, and DH and I had never even considered the possibility of this name before. I told DH about my dream and what we named our "dream baby", and he actually liked the names together too. So now, thanks to my dream, I think we have finally come up with a complete name for our future theoretical baby girl!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (I have also seen it referred to as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but it's basically the same idea, right?) For more information, click on over to www.october15.com.

Tomorrow will also be four months, one week, and one day since we said goodbye to Baby M. I truly cannot believe it has been so long, and yet it still feels like just yesterday at the same time. I still think about Baby M every single day, and I know that I always will.

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, the website Faces of Loss is encouraging everyone to post a badge or Facebook status to honor our babies who were lost too soon. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I will not be posting either of these on my personal Facebook account tomorrow. Not because I'm ashamed of Baby M or what we went through, but because so many people in our lives (including family members) don't know about our loss. And I certainly don't think a Facebook status is the appropriate venue for them to find out. There are still so many people we haven't told, for various reasons. The people we have told have been amazingly supportive, and I am so glad we have been able to share Baby M with them. But for those we haven't told yet, they will just have to wait until we are ready.

So for now, I will proudly post my "I am the Face" badge here, where I am safe and anonymous.



Love you, Baby M. You will be in my heart tomorrow, and always.

Survivor

I survived my glucose tolerance test! Although my arm is definitely not happy. The bruise is getting darker by the hour.



I just hope all of this poking and prodding pays off.

20 minutes in...

...to my glucose tolerance test. So far, so good. The Glucola wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be; it reminded me of that flat orange drink we used to get in gallon jugs at Walmart when I was a kid. And thank GOD the phlebotomist didn't miss my vein. One stick down, two to go.

I was absolutely terrified of doing this this morning. I have had a paralyzing fear of needles for as long as I could remember. As in, I legitimately used to have full-on, completely involuntary, panic attacks that would cause me to hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably and sometimes require oxygen. At one point my doctor prescribed Valium for me to take prior to some blood work, and even with two of those in my system I still had an attack and had to be held down. Good times!

When we started talking about TTC last year, I decided I needed to get a grip, since pregnancy (and TTC, as I have now learned) involves a whole lot of needles. I went to several sessions of hypnotherapy with a very good doctor and he really, really helped me. I still don't enjoy having blood drawn, but I can sit in the chair like a big kid (squeezing the bejeesus out of DH's hand, of course) and I can do it without hyperventilating or having an embarrassing meltdown.

But so far I have only "tested" my recovery in single-blood draw-increments. I now know I can hold it together for a single needle stick, with plenty of time in between to recover. I even survived a blood draw all by myself at the RE the other day (see previous post -- I wasn't expecting to have any labs drawn during the appointment so I didn't make DH come with me). But I honestly was not sure if I could keep my composure and stay calm knowing I would be stuck THREE TIMES in TWO HOURS this morning. I hardly slept last night dreading what was coming. I woke up at least three times that I can remember, jerking myself awake and just generally freaking out.

So, long story short, I was majorly panicking and am now majorly relieved that so far I am doing ok. The phlebotomist who drew me the first time was awesome, I'm hoping she sticks around until 8:00 (when I'm finished). I'm also dying for a coffee, and I am going to reward myself with the biggest, fattest, sugariest drink ever when this is over. :-) Here's hoping the next hour and a half go quickly!

My ovary has a heartbeat (and other fun with the RE)

I had my RE appointment this afternoon and I must say, I am so impressed with this doctor.  He was so incredibly nice, and seemed to genuinely care about my concerns.

I met with him in his office as soon as I got there, and he spent about 20 minutes just asking me questions, looking at my charts, and discussing what might be going on with me.  He also asked how I was doing after our miscarriage, and spent several minutes talking to me about pregnancy loss.  He said thinks its a shame that miscarriage is such a "dirty little secret" in our society, and that he completely believes it is the loss of a child, and that he certainly views it that way and wishes other people would too.  I loved that he came right out and said that, and it was refreshing to hear a medical professional recognize what me and DH went through as an actual, human, emotional event, rather than another run-of-the-mill "spontaneous abortion".  (Don't even get me started on that terminology -- I HATE the word(s) "spontaneous abortion".  It seriously it makes my skin crawl.  There was absolutely nothing spontaneous nor abortive about what I went through, and to describe it as such feels so clinical and cold.  But I digress.) 

Annyyywayyy...  So my RE agreed I am definitely showing symptoms of PCOS that were concerning to him.  He also said that although my PCOS panel came back within the normal ranges, he also wanted an ultrasound of my ovaries just to make sure there were no cysts.  He also wanted to test me for congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which he says can present with the same symptoms as PCOS but would require a different course of treatment.  He also wanted to test me for insulin resistance, so I will be participating in a 2 hour glucose tolerance test at some point this week.  (I'm definitely not looking forward to that!).

So, after my meeting with the RE today, they took three vials of blood to test for these various conditions, and also gave me lab orders to have the 2 hour GTT done.  After the blood draw, I also had a transvaginal (aka "dildo cam") ultrasound with his tech there in the office.  She was also amazingly nice, and was much more "gentle" than the ultrasound tech who did my t/v ultrasound with Baby M.  During my ultrasound, the tech did tell me that my ovaries are really far apart from each other and sit really far off to each side.  As in, she could hardly find my left one with the dildo cam.  She did finally find it, and she said it was almost as far over as my femoral artery (which I guess is REALLY far).  She then turned on the sound from the ultrasound and sure enough, you could hear the blood whooshing in my artery so loud it echoed in the room.  (Aww, my ovary's heartbeat.  How special.)    I asked the tech if my ovaries being so far apart was a problem, but of course she couldn't really tell me anything.  But I definitely plan to ask the RE about it at my next appointment.  Which will be next Wednesday, after all of my test results have come back.

I have to say that after today, I am definitely looking forward to this next appointment.  I'm also anxious to see if my tests will show anything.  I guess we will know soon enough!

I'm such a slacker

I realized today I haven't updated my FF in 5 days.  Oops.  (Don't worry, I've been temping still, I just haven't been entering my info on FF.)  I think I'm really getting burned out on charting and obsessing over what my body is doing.  Last cycle really took a toll on my morale.  Its also still so early (for me) in my cycle that there is absolutely nothing to be excited about yet.  *sigh*

My appointment with the RE is tomorrow and I am looking forward to that at least.  I've been trying to get motivated to fill out the mondo packet of new patient paperwork they sent me. Wish me luck!

Test results -- round 1

My doctor called today with my test results from yesterday's blood draw.  He said my hormone levels were all within the normal ranges, so he does not think I have PCOS.  Which is GOOD news, but still doesn't explain why I am having the symptoms.

On to the RE!

Doctor appointment today

Well, my doctor's appointment today was not nearly as productive as I thought it would be.  From speaking with my doctor on the phone the other day, I expected we would go over my medical history, my charts, my symptoms, etc.  He had asked me to bring my charts, but then barely even glanced at them.  He also didn't examine me (I was ok with this) or even talk to me about PCOS at all.

All he did was order bloodwork and refer me to an RE.  He also kept saying I might need something to make me ovulate and the next step would probably be Clomid.  I told him I thought I was ovulating, just not very often, and that I wasn't comfortable immediately jumping to Clomid before we ruled out other things that might be going on.  I don't want to take Clomid... I want answers about what is going on with me!

I don't know what I was expecting from this appointment exactly, but I guess I thought it would be more productive than it was.  Something just felt off about the entire appointment.  As DH said, maybe my doctor just didn't know what else to do so he referred me to someone who would.  Either way, I did have my blood drawn and he said my results for the PCOS panel should be back in a few days.  And thankfully, I didn't have to wait long to get in to the RE -- my appointment is next Monday.  Hopefully he can finally give us some insight as to what is going on with me!