9 dpo... Eeek!

Check out those temps!

Halfway there

6 dpo today, whoo hoo!  Halfway through my LP and only one week until I'll be testing!  (Assuming AF doesn't show, of course.) 

I'm sticking to my resolution of not testing early.  I ran out of internet cheapies last cycle, and will not be ordering more until 9 dpo (free two-day shipping -- thanks Amazon Prime!), so I won't be tempted.

I am really, really hoping this is our cycle.

Merry Christmas!

After my previous rant-tastic post, I figured I should follow up with a nice (sincere!) post wishing all of you out there in blog land a merry Christmas. :-)

I truly want to wish all of my readers, fellow TTCAL-ers, and other Bump friends a very, very happy holiday.  I know that this year didn't go as planned for some of us, but I wanted to say I am so thankful for all of your friendship and support.  You have made a difficult year a little easier for me to endure, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

So on that note, Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!   I hope you have a wonderful holiday surrounded by those you love.  Thank you again for all of the love and encouragement this past year!

"But you're so YOUNG!!!"

I get told this ALL the time when people find out we are TTC.  Then when I tell people about our loss, I get this statement's cousin, the "Its ok, you'll have lots of babies because you have lots of time! You're so young!" Now, as we are starting to tell people about our adoption plans, we have already had one person ask why... you guessed it... because we are so young!

Ok, for the record.  Yes we are in our mid-20s and creeping closer to 30 every day.  I realize to many people, this still is quite young to want a family.  But its not like I'm 16 and in high school trying to get knocked up.  DH and I are both college graduates with advanced degrees, and DH is in the process of obtaining another.  I have a professional job and we own our own home.  I think that should count for something.  (Not that we have to defend our choices to anyone!)

Whew, sorry I got a little fired up there.  I was reading Katie's post about ageists on From IF to When, and it got me thinking about how infuriating it is when people say these things.  If you have ever been in a similar boat, you really should take the time to read Katie's post.  She says everything I think about the issue, only more eloquently than I ever could.

Merry Christmas, Baby M!

We have a few new ornaments on our tree this Christmas.

This first one we ordered from bugaboojewelry the week we lost Baby M.  It is so beautiful, and I love that it has all of Baby M's information on it.

This next one is also very special to me, because it was made by my friend and fellow TTCAL-er, noah-bear.  She has her own Etsy shop, and offered to make personalized ornaments for all of the ladies in our online community... isn't that amazing?  I love it!

Merry Christmas, Baby M!  We love you and miss you so much.

More happy news!

My other BFP Buddy from TTGP, BB8785, had her little boy on Wednesday!  After some scary time in the NICU, he is finally home and is doing great.  :-) 

Congrats buddy, he is so precious!!!!  I am so happy for you guys!!!

Still here

I apologize again for neglecting the blog this past week.  Things have been busy with work, I spent several days with my mom who had surgery, and DH and I have been doing some things around the house.

I haven't had much to report from the TTCAL front anyway.  I guess the biggest news is that I started drinking POM last cycle.  I decided to give it a try after having only a three-day period (one day of bleeding, two of spotting) the previous cycle.  Well, for anyone who has wondered whether POM really makes a difference, let me tell you, it DOES!*  My period this cycle was seven days long!!!!  I take that to mean the POM actually did help my lining quite a bit.  (That, or my body just randomly decided to bleed more this cycle than ever in the past 5+ years...)

On another, completely unrelated note, I have been tinkering with my blog layout again.  I feel like it looks too busy, but I don't know how to fix that.  So I apologize in advance if you visit and my blog looks all screwy.  I hope to be done messing with it soon.  [EDIT:  I am finished now! Much better.  :-) ]


* I did drink 96 oz of POM juice (8 oz per day until ovulation).  That is a lot of POM!

Its over

Well, if I was pregnant, I'm not any more.  CD1 hit with a vengeance today about an hour after I got to work.

I'm amazingly at peace with this entire situation.  I think the reality of not truly knowing whether this was a loss, or just a fluke of a test, has made it a little easier.  And I've been reminding myself, at least if it was a c/p, we were clearly able to get sperm to meet egg again.

I've made an early New Year's resolution:  no more early testing for me.  From here on out, I'm going to do my best to wait until my period is actually late (13 dpo) instead of starting testing at 9 dpo.  I don't want to play this "am-I-or-aren't-I" game again. 

I'm trying to stay optimistic.  I'm mostly just frustrated at this point.  I'm just ready to meet our take-home baby.

Rollercoaster (possible BFP and c/p mentioned)

I apologize for the radio silence these past few days.  A lot has been going on, and I wanted to be sure before I said anything.  I also didn't want to jinx it.

After my post the other day at 9 dpo, I had a temp drop below the coverline, and then my temps shot back up.  I was still having cramps and creamy/EWCM, but started to get my hopes up when my temps stayed high.  (No, I did not mark the EWCM on my chart, because when I did FF took my CH away.  But I had it from 8 dpo on.)

I also have had some serious nausea these past three days, and I even vomited a little yesterday.  I have never had this happen during the 2ww before, and was trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  And, my boobs are sore and feel like rocks.

Then, last night, I got this (click to enlarge):

 

Yes, that is a second line.  It was very very faint, but definitely there.

Of course, once I saw the line, I dipped another test.  I PIAnotherC, and that urine looked darker, so I used it for the second test instead of the same urine from my first test.  BFN.  Then I dipped another test in the original urine, but that test didn't seem to have much dye in it as even the control line was pretty light.  BFN #2.  I gave up and waited for this morning, to test with FMU.

This morning (12 dpo), I fully expected to get another BFP with FMU.  But instead I got BFN #3.

So now I don't know what to think.  The "BFP" line was pink, not gray, and wasn't an indent like I've seen others on TTCAL say they saw with evap lines or bad tests.  Also, the line was there before my urine evaporated, and it faded as the test strip dried.  So I'm really hesitant to call it an evap line.  I have also never remotely seen anything that looks like an evap line on a Wondfo HPT or OPK, and I've been using them for almost a year now.  So I really don't think that's what it was.

I was feeling cautiously excited until this afternoon, when the EWCM really picked up and I started having brown spotting.  I am still spotting now, and starting to pass some dark brown CM/tissue so I'm guessing whatever this was, is about to be over.  I am still holding out a sliver of hope that tomorrow will bring a darker BFP, but I'm not holding my breath.

So it looks like either I got a somehow got a false BFP (on a brand notorious for never having false positives), or I'm possibly having a chemical pregnancy.  :-(

Amazingly, I am not really very upset (yet).  I don't know if I'm secretly holding out hope that I really am pregnant, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if I'm relieved that at least if it was a c/p, that means me and DH were capable of getting pregnant again.

At any rate, please send good thoughts.  I will keep you all posted.

I totally caved (BFN)

So today was 9 dpo.  I really was going to wait until tomorrow to start testing, but I totally caved.  

I originally wasn't going to test because DH's family was coming over today, and in the off chance I actually did get a BFP I didn't think there would be any way DH and I would be able to keep it a secret from them.  So I was going to wait until at least tomorrow morning to start testing.  But then after DH's parents left, I realized I hadn't peed in over four hours (it was a busy morning, and I didn't have time to drink many liquids!), so I figured I might as well test.  Well, shocker, I got a BFN.

I'm not surprised at all.  I actually am feeling pretty ambivalent about this cycle.  I was feeling really good about our timing, but then I had some EWCM last night (which always means AF is less than 24 hours away) and some cramping, so I just assumed we were out this cycle.  Although I was perplexed, since it was only 8 dpo and my LPs have consistently been 12 dpo every cycle (except for one that was 13 dpo).  My temps are also not stellar, but still above the coverline.  (I think this is partly because they were uncharacteristically high pre-ovulation, which I attribute to me now sleeping in sweats and with extra blankets on the bed, since its gotten so cold here.)  

So, if you followed all of that boring blabber about my chart, you will see why I thought this cycle was a bust.  Well, today I had a **TMI alert** large mass of sticky CM, no more EWCM, and of course still no AF.  So now I am back to thinking maybe we still have a shot.  I'm crossing my fingers big time and hoping tomorrow's testing goes better.

Spreading our news

We told my parents and siblings about our foster-adopt plans this weekend.  As I expected, they were all supportive.  My dad and stepmom didn't say too much about it (I think they got their hopes up when I said "we have news!" that it would be THAT news...), but my mom and siblings were SO excited and had the best reaction ever!  They all got these huge grins on their faces and couldn't stop smiling, and asked us lots of excited questions.  I'm so glad we told them and that they are all so happy for us.  Of course, I expected nothing less from them, but it still is a relief to know they support our decision and are as excited as we are about this!

Its beginning to look a lot like...

Ovulation!

I think I *finally* ovulated yesterday!  I say finally because this is still so early for me, even though this time was still three days later than my record-setting early ovulation last month.  I'm happy DH and I had great timing this cycle -- both of those "PM"s you see were around or after midnight, so technically its more like O-2 and O-1 instead of O-3 and O-2 how it looks on my chart.  Yay!  I'm hoping our timing was early enough for some spermies to get a good head start swimming up the long journey to my wide-set ovaries!

Please keep your fingers crossed that this will be our lucky cycle!!!  :-)

Happy news!

My BFP buddy, smzsmz2008 (back from my days on TTGP), had her little boy this afternoon!  He is absolutely precious and I am so completely thrilled for her and her husband!!!!!!!!

Congrats again my friend... He is just perfect!!!  :-)

A big announcement, and new (tentative) plan

Last night DH and I had our first real conversation about how much longer we were willing to TTC before exploring other options.  We have been discussing all of our options in the abstract for awhile now, but this was the first time we have seriously planned out where to go from here.  I'm really excited with what we decided.

We both agree that we are not comfortable starting Clomid right now, due to the risks and potential side effects involved.  Plus, I am ovulating on my own, so I'm not sure how much Clomid would actually help me anyway.  (Maybe we will re-evaluate this option further down the road, but neither me nor DH thinks this is the best choice for us at this time.)

So, that said... we have made the decision that, if we still can't get pregnant the next few cycles, we will move forward with adoption.  Specifically, we want to pursue foster-adopt, and with the hopes of being able to accept a placement this summer.  Adoption is something we both have wanted to pursue eventually anyway, regardless of whether we had any biological children.  We are just speeding up the process a bit.  :-)

Neither one of us is giving up on the idea of biological children, but we both want to be parents so badly and don't want to wait any longer to expand our family.  Of course if I did become pregnant that would be awesome, but I also have never had the burning desire that I MUST have biological children.  But I have always felt very strongly that I wanted to adopt children someday, and especially lately I have really been feeling a pull towards foster-adopt. 

I have been praying for nearly a year now for God to send us a child, and I am starting to wonder if maybe this is how He wants us to expand our family.  I have faith that He will make us parents one way or another.  I have done a lot of research on foster-adopt and really think it will be a good fit for me and DH.  I have also done several adoptions as an attorney, so I feel like I have a good idea of everything involved and that DH and I are pretty prepared to take this step.  And I am so happy to know that DH and I are on the same page, and that we have a real plan for moving forward!

Funny timing

Another blog I read shared this link about how much Facebook pregnancy announcements suck.  Interesting timing, considering that ANOTHER freaking person I know announced last night that they are also expecting.

I'm seriously not even mad at this point... this is just getting ridiculous!

In other news, I am hopeful that maybe I will ovulate early again this cycle.  My OPKs are already starting to get darker (if you recall, I'm a "slow-fade" kind of gal), and I'm only CD14!  Also, FF just gave me 5 free VIP days, so you know, that is exciting too.  Whoo hoo!

Other than that, not much to write about.  Work has been insanely busy these past two weeks, and I'm just trying to stay sane with that while waiting to ovulate.  Hopefully I will have more exciting news to report soon.

"The Best Advice I Ever Received"

This post came up in my blog reader this morning, and it was so good I just had to share.  I would have shared snippets of my favorite parts, but couldn't find a way to do so and still do justice to the original post.  So you should just check it out for yourself over on Stirrup Queens. :-)

Of course

So I wake up and check Facebook, only to find...  ANOTHER pregnancy announcement this morning. Are you kidding me?

Yet another...

...girl I know announced her pregnancy on Facebook today.  Seriously?  I really think I now know more pregnant people than not. 

I'm really not even upset about this one.  I truly am happy for her and she is a great person.  I just wish it was my turn to be making the announcement for once.

That felt good

Remember the obnoxious girl I mentioned in my previous post?  She had a stupid Facebook status about eating pickles up today.  I blocked her. 

That felt awesome.

Frustrated

I've been feeling really frustrated lately.

Frustrated, of course, that it is taking us so long to conceive a healthy baby.

Frustrated that I probably only have one, maybe two, more chances to get pregnant before our EDD/one-year anniversary of TTC (yes, both of those lovely milestones are on the same day).

Frustrated that everyone else in the world is having babies except for me and DH (including the annoying girl from law school who I cannot stand, and cannot be happy for, no matter how hard I try).

Frustrated that me not being happy for other people's pregnancy annoucements makes me feel like a monster.

Frustrated that (well-meaning) people constantly make comments about when we are going to have kids, and frustrated with how that makes me feel (like I want to punch them in the face, and then go cry).

Frustrated that people who do know about our struggles keep saying the wrong douchebag things ("Maybe it will happen when you stop thinking about it"... thanks Mom!).

Frustrated that there is nothing medically wrong with me, and there is nothing more we can do... and yet I still cannot get pregnant (despite having perfect timing every.single.cycle.).

And worst of all, I'm frustrated that DH is getting frustrated with me.  He is so incredibly supportive, but I know he struggles with watching me on my sad days.  I know he hates seeing me sad.  And its not like I'm sad all the time, but some days are more difficult than others.  I know I'm ok, but I think DH is starting to worry.  I just wish I could go back to being my old, happy (99.9% of the time) self, and not worry about these things... and not be so frustrated about all of these things I can't control.  :-(

New look

Today during the pity party I was throwing for myself, I decided my blog needed a new look. After much tinkering with the (lame) Blogger templates, I think it looks pretty snazzy! ;-)

CD1

On to month 11 of trying. :-(

Game over

This morning I got another BFN at 12 dpo. At that point I was pretty sure this cycle would be another big fat failure.

This was confirmed when I got some red spotting this evening. I expect tomorrow will be full-on AF.

*sigh*

11 dpo - BFN

Another day, another BFN. I know its still early, but I'm starting to get nervous. My temps still look good though and I'm trying to stay positive. Gah.

10 dpo - BFN

Another BFN this morning and a .1 degree temp drop. But its obviously still super early so I'm trying not to worry yet.

And we're back

Back up with the temps, that is...  98.2 this morning, to be exact.

Also, I totally caved and tested this morning.  BFN.  Big Freakin' Surprise.

Well that's interesting...

8 dpo and a gigantic temp dip (for me).  Its too soon for AF... Implantation maybe?  I had a .2 degree implantation dip the last time I was pregnant, but I've never seen a dip like this past O.  Hmmmmm.....

Test results -- round 2

Yesterday was my follow-up RE appointment to go over my test results.

Drum roll please?

They found... nothing! Every single test they ran, my hormone levels came back exactly smack in the middle of the normal range.  Which is of course great news that I am healthy, but it definitely doesn't make me any less frustrated.  Actually, I think it is more frustrating, because at least if something was wrong we could actively work on fixing it.  My RE did suggest I start Clomid next cycle, but I don't think I'm comfortable taking that step yet (and I know DH isn't). 

While I was at my appointment, I also asked my RE about what the tech said about my ovaries being really far apart.  He said this was not a problem, and that he has never had a patient where that was what was keeping her from getting pregnant.  I asked if he thought a super-long journey through my tubes might be causing decreased egg quality, and if it might have contributed to our loss.  He assured me that he did not believe this was an issue.  He also said he didn't see any cysts or anything on my ovaries from the ultrasound, which is of course also great news.

So, the official diagnosis?  Unexplained anovulation.  It is frustrating, but I just keep telling myself that at least I am healthy and that we are doing everything we can do to have another baby.  I think we're going to just keep trying and praying for a few more cycles, and then maybe re-evaluate the Clomid option.  I really hope we get a BFP soon so we don't even have to consider it.

Yay for ovulation!

Wow, sorry I have majorly been neglecting my blog this week! I have been so busy and so exhausted by the time I get home that I just haven't been able to update.

But yes, I did actually ovulate on CD20! Which puts me at 5 dpo today. I'm going to try to hold out at least 5 more days before testing, but we will see if that actually happens. lol

Holy crap

I think I ovulated yesterday. On CD20. That would be the earliest I have EVER ovulated and would give me the shortest cycle I've ever had in my life!

It would figure this would happen this month, since I've been undergoing the battery of tests to find out why I wasn't ovulating regularly. lol

I had a +OPK on CD18 and CD19, tons of EWCM these past few days, and a temp spike this morning. *Fingers crossed* I actually did ovulate!!!

On an unrelated note, I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a daughter. In my dream we named her our girl's first name (we don't have a middle name yet in real life), and then gave her my mother's middle name as her middle name. The combination of names actually sounds really pretty together, and DH and I had never even considered the possibility of this name before. I told DH about my dream and what we named our "dream baby", and he actually liked the names together too. So now, thanks to my dream, I think we have finally come up with a complete name for our future theoretical baby girl!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. (I have also seen it referred to as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but it's basically the same idea, right?) For more information, click on over to www.october15.com.

Tomorrow will also be four months, one week, and one day since we said goodbye to Baby M. I truly cannot believe it has been so long, and yet it still feels like just yesterday at the same time. I still think about Baby M every single day, and I know that I always will.

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, the website Faces of Loss is encouraging everyone to post a badge or Facebook status to honor our babies who were lost too soon. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I will not be posting either of these on my personal Facebook account tomorrow. Not because I'm ashamed of Baby M or what we went through, but because so many people in our lives (including family members) don't know about our loss. And I certainly don't think a Facebook status is the appropriate venue for them to find out. There are still so many people we haven't told, for various reasons. The people we have told have been amazingly supportive, and I am so glad we have been able to share Baby M with them. But for those we haven't told yet, they will just have to wait until we are ready.

So for now, I will proudly post my "I am the Face" badge here, where I am safe and anonymous.



Love you, Baby M. You will be in my heart tomorrow, and always.

Survivor

I survived my glucose tolerance test! Although my arm is definitely not happy. The bruise is getting darker by the hour.



I just hope all of this poking and prodding pays off.

20 minutes in...

...to my glucose tolerance test. So far, so good. The Glucola wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be; it reminded me of that flat orange drink we used to get in gallon jugs at Walmart when I was a kid. And thank GOD the phlebotomist didn't miss my vein. One stick down, two to go.

I was absolutely terrified of doing this this morning. I have had a paralyzing fear of needles for as long as I could remember. As in, I legitimately used to have full-on, completely involuntary, panic attacks that would cause me to hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably and sometimes require oxygen. At one point my doctor prescribed Valium for me to take prior to some blood work, and even with two of those in my system I still had an attack and had to be held down. Good times!

When we started talking about TTC last year, I decided I needed to get a grip, since pregnancy (and TTC, as I have now learned) involves a whole lot of needles. I went to several sessions of hypnotherapy with a very good doctor and he really, really helped me. I still don't enjoy having blood drawn, but I can sit in the chair like a big kid (squeezing the bejeesus out of DH's hand, of course) and I can do it without hyperventilating or having an embarrassing meltdown.

But so far I have only "tested" my recovery in single-blood draw-increments. I now know I can hold it together for a single needle stick, with plenty of time in between to recover. I even survived a blood draw all by myself at the RE the other day (see previous post -- I wasn't expecting to have any labs drawn during the appointment so I didn't make DH come with me). But I honestly was not sure if I could keep my composure and stay calm knowing I would be stuck THREE TIMES in TWO HOURS this morning. I hardly slept last night dreading what was coming. I woke up at least three times that I can remember, jerking myself awake and just generally freaking out.

So, long story short, I was majorly panicking and am now majorly relieved that so far I am doing ok. The phlebotomist who drew me the first time was awesome, I'm hoping she sticks around until 8:00 (when I'm finished). I'm also dying for a coffee, and I am going to reward myself with the biggest, fattest, sugariest drink ever when this is over. :-) Here's hoping the next hour and a half go quickly!

My ovary has a heartbeat (and other fun with the RE)

I had my RE appointment this afternoon and I must say, I am so impressed with this doctor.  He was so incredibly nice, and seemed to genuinely care about my concerns.

I met with him in his office as soon as I got there, and he spent about 20 minutes just asking me questions, looking at my charts, and discussing what might be going on with me.  He also asked how I was doing after our miscarriage, and spent several minutes talking to me about pregnancy loss.  He said thinks its a shame that miscarriage is such a "dirty little secret" in our society, and that he completely believes it is the loss of a child, and that he certainly views it that way and wishes other people would too.  I loved that he came right out and said that, and it was refreshing to hear a medical professional recognize what me and DH went through as an actual, human, emotional event, rather than another run-of-the-mill "spontaneous abortion".  (Don't even get me started on that terminology -- I HATE the word(s) "spontaneous abortion".  It seriously it makes my skin crawl.  There was absolutely nothing spontaneous nor abortive about what I went through, and to describe it as such feels so clinical and cold.  But I digress.) 

Annyyywayyy...  So my RE agreed I am definitely showing symptoms of PCOS that were concerning to him.  He also said that although my PCOS panel came back within the normal ranges, he also wanted an ultrasound of my ovaries just to make sure there were no cysts.  He also wanted to test me for congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which he says can present with the same symptoms as PCOS but would require a different course of treatment.  He also wanted to test me for insulin resistance, so I will be participating in a 2 hour glucose tolerance test at some point this week.  (I'm definitely not looking forward to that!).

So, after my meeting with the RE today, they took three vials of blood to test for these various conditions, and also gave me lab orders to have the 2 hour GTT done.  After the blood draw, I also had a transvaginal (aka "dildo cam") ultrasound with his tech there in the office.  She was also amazingly nice, and was much more "gentle" than the ultrasound tech who did my t/v ultrasound with Baby M.  During my ultrasound, the tech did tell me that my ovaries are really far apart from each other and sit really far off to each side.  As in, she could hardly find my left one with the dildo cam.  She did finally find it, and she said it was almost as far over as my femoral artery (which I guess is REALLY far).  She then turned on the sound from the ultrasound and sure enough, you could hear the blood whooshing in my artery so loud it echoed in the room.  (Aww, my ovary's heartbeat.  How special.)    I asked the tech if my ovaries being so far apart was a problem, but of course she couldn't really tell me anything.  But I definitely plan to ask the RE about it at my next appointment.  Which will be next Wednesday, after all of my test results have come back.

I have to say that after today, I am definitely looking forward to this next appointment.  I'm also anxious to see if my tests will show anything.  I guess we will know soon enough!

I'm such a slacker

I realized today I haven't updated my FF in 5 days.  Oops.  (Don't worry, I've been temping still, I just haven't been entering my info on FF.)  I think I'm really getting burned out on charting and obsessing over what my body is doing.  Last cycle really took a toll on my morale.  Its also still so early (for me) in my cycle that there is absolutely nothing to be excited about yet.  *sigh*

My appointment with the RE is tomorrow and I am looking forward to that at least.  I've been trying to get motivated to fill out the mondo packet of new patient paperwork they sent me. Wish me luck!

Test results -- round 1

My doctor called today with my test results from yesterday's blood draw.  He said my hormone levels were all within the normal ranges, so he does not think I have PCOS.  Which is GOOD news, but still doesn't explain why I am having the symptoms.

On to the RE!

Doctor appointment today

Well, my doctor's appointment today was not nearly as productive as I thought it would be.  From speaking with my doctor on the phone the other day, I expected we would go over my medical history, my charts, my symptoms, etc.  He had asked me to bring my charts, but then barely even glanced at them.  He also didn't examine me (I was ok with this) or even talk to me about PCOS at all.

All he did was order bloodwork and refer me to an RE.  He also kept saying I might need something to make me ovulate and the next step would probably be Clomid.  I told him I thought I was ovulating, just not very often, and that I wasn't comfortable immediately jumping to Clomid before we ruled out other things that might be going on.  I don't want to take Clomid... I want answers about what is going on with me!

I don't know what I was expecting from this appointment exactly, but I guess I thought it would be more productive than it was.  Something just felt off about the entire appointment.  As DH said, maybe my doctor just didn't know what else to do so he referred me to someone who would.  Either way, I did have my blood drawn and he said my results for the PCOS panel should be back in a few days.  And thankfully, I didn't have to wait long to get in to the RE -- my appointment is next Monday.  Hopefully he can finally give us some insight as to what is going on with me!

Moving forward

Yesterday was tough.  Thankfully I had a super busy day at work to keep my mind occupied.

I also called my doctor yesterday.  After talking with DH, we decided it is probably time for me to get checked out.

I haven't written about it here yet, but lately I have been wondering if I might have PCOS.  I have a friend who has it, and she was actually the first person to mention that maybe I should get checked for it.  I honestly never really thought about PCOS before, but when my friend started telling me her symptoms, I realized... I have every single one of them.

Even though my friend had mentioned it, I never seriously considered the possibility of me having PCOS until this past weekend.  I randomly came across some information about PCOS online, and was shocked to discover how familiar the symptoms sounded:  long, irregular cycles, excessively oily skin and hair, dandruff/dry scalp, acne, excessive facial hair, obesity/weight gain/carrying excessive weight around your middle, and difficulty getting pregnant.

I have always had irregular periods (when not on birth control), even in junior high and high school.  Since I started charting, all of my cycles have lasted 35-50 days until this most recent one, which lasted 33 days -- my shortest ever!  I have also always had excessively oily skin and hair.  Like, extreme grease... Even when I shower in the morning, my hair looks completely oily and disgusting again by the afternoon.  I also have to blot my face constantly throughout the day, and no cleanser, moisturizer, or powder I have tried has ever managed to cover my oil slick of a face.  Also, since coming off of the pill, I have noticed that I have horrible acne.  And not just on my face, but my chest and back also.  But perhaps the most striking symptom I noticed while reading -- and seriously, THIS was the clencher which made me seriously consider PCOS -- is that women with PCOS tend to gain weight only around their midsection (i.e. waist and hips) and have a difficult time losing this weight no matter how much they diet and exercise.  I have always only gained weight only around my middle (the zone I lovingly refer to as my "spare tire") for as long as I can remember.  I always thought this was a plus, because even if I gained a few pounds, my legs never got fat and I could usually cover up my belly chub with loose shirts. ;-)  But especially since I was pregnant, I have noticed this "spare tire" region has gotten especially large and impossible to lose, no matter how much I watch what I eat.  And obviously, I am having difficulties in getting pregnant and have already had one pregnancy loss -- two more symptoms.

After experiencing the revelation that there might actually be something wrong with me, I decided that I would call my doctor if it turned out I wasn't pregnant again this cycle.  When it became obvious yesterday that I clearly wasn't pregnant, I called my doctor and told him about my symptoms and my concerns about possible PCOS.  He agreed I am definitely showing some symptoms and wants to see me next Monday.  He asked me to bring my charts, and said he would be happy to run some tests to get to the bottom of this.

I am just so thankful my friend brought this up, or I never would have thought to ask.  I am also thankful I have a doctor who takes me seriously and is willing to hear me out.  I am still bummed that we had yet another unsuccessful cycle, but I do feel just a little bit better knowing we have a plan for moving forward.  I truly do hope there is nothing wrong with me, but if there is, I hope it is something manageable so that we can treat it and move on.

CD1 - so upset

Its over.  I started having EWCM yesterday (I usually get it before AF), and then I had some cramps last night and I knew what was coming.  Then I had some brown spotting before bed and I knew that was it.  Of course I had a gigantic temp drop this morning, along with my period. 

I'm so, so upset.  I cried myself to sleep last night, knowing it was over.  Every time I get my period, my heart breaks all over again thinking of what I went through with losing Baby M.  And every time I get my period is another emotionally painful reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and still not pregnant again.  I used to get bummed when I'd get my period before I was pregnant with Baby M, but for whatever reason it is so much more painful for me now that we've had a loss.  I know it breaks DH's heart to see me cry and to see me sad every cycle, and I absolutely hate that too.

I know it sounds stupid, but I was SURE that I was pregnant this cycle.  I really, really was.  I have never been more sure that I was pregnant, not even the cycle I actually was pregnant.  And I cannot believe I'm not pregnant YET AGAIN.  I'm feeling really upset and extremely defeated right now.  We have had perfect timing EVERY CYCLE.  I realize this is only half of the equation, but seriously?  There is nothing more we can do!  I'm just completely at a loss right now.  I don't know why God won't send us another baby.

12 dpo - BFN

Two more BFNs this morning.  Two because I dipped my first test and definitely saw "something"... there was definitely a shadow or something where the second line should be.  (This is exactly what happened the last time we got a BFP -- the line was so so faint it looked like a shadow of a line, but it was definitely there.)  I excitedly dipped a second test, hoping to replicate this second almost-line... but to no avail.  No matter how hard I looked, and no matter how many different light sources and angles I looked from, I just didn't see the same "something" on that second test.  :-(

So now I'm feeling pretty bummed and am really starting to lose hope for this cycle.  I just hate this because I was SO excited and really, truly thought that this was our month.  I mean, I get my hopes up every month, but between our awesome timing this cycle plus my chart being practically a carbon copy of my last BFP chart, I REALLY thought this was it for us.  I know I'm only 12 dpo and certainly not out yet, but it seems like if I was actually pregnant I should be getting some kind of faint faint line or something by now.  At least I didn't have a temp drop this morning, so I still have a shred of hope.  But I'm finding it really difficult to remain optimistic at this point.

I also had a depressing thought this morning.  While throwing my pity party, I realized that our EDD, January 18, 2011, is also the one-year anniversary to the day of when we started TTC.   I can't believe we have to have both of those milestones on one day.  Of course, I also can't believe we are coming up on a year of trying and still have absolutely nothing to show for it.  When we first started TTC I naively thought we would already have a baby by now... Not that we would still be trying and facing the same disappointment month after month.  I realize I will still get two (or possibly three, if my cycles cooperate) more chances to become pregnant before January, but my hope is fading fast.

I'm just feeling really defeated by the whole process at this point, especially after being so sure that this month was going to be our month.  :-(

11 dpo - BFN

Another day, another blazing white BFN... or three.

Now before you judge me, hear me out.  Like I said the other day, I only had two more of my internet cheapies left.  One was defective looking (the wicking part was sticking out the side).  Yesterday my new order of internet cheapies arrived.  And I opened them this morning to discover... they were packaged exactly like my OPKs I order from this company.  I was immediately suspicious, but opened them anyway... to discover they look exactly the same as my OPKs.  (My previous HPTs I ordered from this company are clearly marked "hcg" on the end of the strip, and these were plain pink like all of my OPKs.)

Needless to say, I was angry at this apparent mix-up and was planning to call Amazon and demand they send another order of the correct tests.  But since I had already opened this strip, I thought I'd use it anyway.  I also used a dollar store cheapie I still had, as a control, in case this new test was in fact an OPK.  Then, I decided that since I had that defective old internet cheapie, I might as well dip it too!

Well, all three of them came up very clearly negative.  Which I'm not surprised about the dollar store test;  I found they are significantly less sensitive than the internet cheapies last time I was pregnant.  The defective internet cheapie also seemed to work properly.  And, despite my previous anger, I guess Amazon did actually send me HPTs instead of OPKs, because even that one came up stark white.  (Theoretically, if we have LH in our bodies at all times, I should have gotten at least a faint line on that test... especially with concentrated FMU, right?)  So, my apologies to Amazon for my previous rage.  Although it sure will be confusing now that every single one of my internet cheapies looks exactly the same!

And last but not least... at least my chart is still looking good!

I'm wondering if that dip might be an implantation dip?  If so, I would expect to finally see a BFP either tomorrow or Monday.  The last time I got pregnant I had a dip at 7 dpo and got a suuuupppeeerrr faint BFP at 9 dpo.  In fact, DH and I didn't even call it a positive until we got another slightly less-faint second line at 10 dpo.  So... if my math is correct, and in the chance that a baby did actually implant on Thursday, then tomorrow or Monday I should be getting the good news!  Either that, or I will get my temp drop (I usually see it at 12 dpo) and be seriously bummed.  Lets hope for the former! ;-)

10 dpo - BFN

I tested again this morning (and with good FMU this time!), but alas... another stark-white BFN.  My temps did increase again today though, so I'm taking that as a good sign.  Hopes are still high.  I'll of course be testing again tomorrow!

On another note, my Amazon internet cheapies arrived this afternoon!  Yippee!  Just in time for more testing tomorrow.  :-)

9 dpo - BFN

I tested this morning and got a BFN.  I'm honestly not surprised though.  Not only am I still super early to be testing, but I also woke up at 3:45 am to use the bathroom, so when I tested at 6:00 am my FMU wasn't nearly as concentrated as it could have been.  My chart still looks good though, and I'm still quite hopeful.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed and will try testing again tomorrow!

Also... last night when I went to get my test out for this morning, I realized that I only had two internet cheapies left!  Thankfully, I have the Amazon app on my phone, so I ordered 25 more tests from Amazon as I lay in bed.  They should be here by Saturday.  :-)  Thank goodness for free two-day shipping!

Public service announcement

DO NOT EVER Google "mucus".  Just don't do it.  No really, you will seriously regret it and never be the same if you do.

I just posted a glossary of TTC terms (on the right-hand side of my blog), and was using Google to spell-check and make sure I spelled "mucus" correctly.  Wow.  I am really, really regretting that decision right now.

You're welcome.


(And if you do Google it anyway, don't say I didn't warn you!)

8 dpo and hopeful

So I  am now 8 dpo and trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  No, scratch that, I have given up on trying not to get my hopes up.   It seems like every cycle I try to not get too excited, it just hits me that much harder when I end up not being pregnant.  So I am letting myself get excited, and my hopes are high that THIS will be our month!

And really, how can I not be excited?  Just look at that chart!  Actually, this chart looks eerily similar to my chart the month I did have my BFP.  Both cycles my post-O temps very gradually increased by .1 or .2 degrees each day, and some days held steady at the same temp as the day before (other than a small implantation(?) dip at 7 dpo my BFP cycle).  All of my other charts -- both before I was pregnant and after my miscarriage -- have been much more erratic, with my post-O temps shooting up, then dropping by a few tenths of a degree, then shooting up again, etc.  The only time I have ever seen my temps rise so slowly and steadily is when I was actually pregnant... so of course I am hoping and praying that is what this chart is showing as well!

Also, this cycle is the first cycle since I was pregnant that I have had any kind of pre-AF/possible pregnancy symptoms.  Before I got pregnant I always had a few "phantom symptoms"... sore boobs, cramping, bloating, feeling more emotional, etc.  Since my miscarriage, I haven't had ANY pre-AFsymptoms -- I just see my temp drop in my chart and then my period starts, and then symptoms set in a few days later.  With this cycle, I have already been having swollen and slightly sore boobs, crazy bloat, and I have also caught myself being more emotional.  I'm of course really hoping this is a good sign too, and it definitely is only causing my hopes to get up even more!

I was originally going to try to wait until 10 dpo (Friday) to test, but I'm thinking I will probably have to test tomorrow morning.  Even though I know it is super early, I did get my first BFP at 9 dpo last time (even though me and DH didn't realize it at the time, because the line was SO faint we thought we were imagining it until I tested more clearly positive the following day).  So it is hard for me to not want to start testing at 9 dpo, since I know I could get a BFP that early!

Wish me luck!  :-)

Yay for CHs!!!

Now, we wait...

TTC Humor

One of the lovely ladies on TTCAL posted these the other night, and I thought they were absolutely hilarious... Mostly because I can completely relate to (almost) all of them! lol  
In case you missed it, here are the lists:

How to Pee on a Stick:


Step 1...Pee on the stick. (must be sure to hold it under urine stream for a heartbeat longer than recommended just to be sure).

Step 2...Stare at stick while you continue peeing. Feel heart jump when urine passes over the spot where the line would be and it hitches for a second, then gets a dark line...then keeps going, taking your dark line with it to the test window.

Step 3...Place on bathroom counter. Pretend not to stare at it. Let's try to give yourself busy work to keep from looking at it. In fact, your toilet now gets cleaned once per day.

Step 4...Tell yourself you are expecting a BFN. Then start to mist up when you see that it is, in fact, a BFN. Stare at the blank spot for a full minute before picking it up.

Step 5...First, go to window and check it under day light.

Step 5...Now, stand on toilet to be closer to light in ceiling. Check strip.

Step 6...Close one eye. Squint other eye.

Step 7...Turn on several lamps around house. Hold strip under lamp. Check strip.

Step 8...Hold strip OVER lamp. Check strip.

Step 9...Hold strip in front of lamp so light shines THROUGH strip, just in case.

Step 10...Pull stick apart. Hesitate for a heartbeat when you realize you are holding the still wet "wick" in one hand, then continue the destruction.

Step 11...Repeat Steps 5-9.

Step 12...Throw stick away.

Step 13...Pick stick back up out of trash.

Step 14...Repeat Steps 12 and 13 the rest of the day!


You Know You're TTC When...


The Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation.

You show everyone who will look at your bbt charts.

Every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation.

It no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.

You schedule your social events around your ovulation day.

If your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards.

You talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww.

Your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature".

You take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer).

You refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

You put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.

You clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs.

Your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

You spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes.

The thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

You make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink.

You get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine.

You finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

You refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life.

What Not to Say...

I am reblogging this from http://lossotomayors.blogspot.com/.  I have seen this list before, but it is definitely still applicable.  And although I don't necessarily feel that all of these statements apply to me, it is a good list and I would like to pass it along -- in the hopes that it might help someone who knows someone suffering from a loss, or someone who may be suffering themselves.

What We Wish You Knew About Pregnancy Loss:  

A letter from women to their friends and family 
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer 

I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them.   The lists tend to be remarkably similar.  The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss.  While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. 

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners:  don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children.  No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. 

• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it."  I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. 

• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?"  It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken.  I wish it had never happened.  But it did and it's a part of me forever.  The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine -- or yours. 

• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you."  I didn't want her to be my angel.  I wanted her to bury me in my old age. 

• Don't say, "I understand how you feel."  Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel.  And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. 

• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse.  The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby.  These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair.  Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. 

• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up.  If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared.  If I'm talking about it, it means I want to.  Let me.  Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. 

• Don't say, "It's not your fault."  It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed.  The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse.  This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it.  I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood.  I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. 

• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway."  I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford.  I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant.  I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby.  Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die -- I never would have chosen for this to happen. 

• Do say, "I am so sorry."  That's enough.  You don't need to be eloquent.  Say it and mean it and it will matter. 

• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you."  We both need to hear that. 

• Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

• Do send flowers or a kind note -- every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved.  Don't resent it if I don't respond.

• Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call.  If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either.  Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. 

Wonderful news! (BFP - not mine - mentioned)

I was waiting to write this post until the new momma announced on TTCAL... And since she has, I can finally share her news!

My TTCAL Buddy, liveforhim, found out on Friday that she is expecting again!!!!

I am so, SO completely thrilled for her!  We both lost our first babies within a week of each other, and after "meeting" on the MC/PL board, we have become great friends over these past few months.  We talk nearly every day, and she has been there to encourage, comfort, and pray for me during some of the most difficult days of my life.  I truly do not know how I could have gotten through the experience of losing Baby M without her!

We have both been anxiously waiting until the day when we were both pregnant again.  I'm so excited it happened for her so quickly, and it gives me hope that I too will be expecting again soon.  :-)

Congrats again, my friend!!!!!!!!  I'm sending tons of prayers your way that this will be your take-home baby!

Coming out

I told a new friend about me and DH's loss last night.  She was of course amazingly sympathetic and supportive, but I still felt a little weird telling her.

I don't know why, but I am always hesitant to mention Baby M to new people.  DH and I had only told two people -- friends of ours who are married to each other -- that we were even pregnant.  We hadn't even told our parents yet by the time we lost Baby M.  We struggled for a week or two, debating whether we should even tell our families.  They didn't even know we were trying for a baby (although I later found out my step-mother suspected I was pregnant all along... how she knows these things is beyond me!).  I knew that my parents, at least, would be thrilled to know they were about to become grandparents.  We weren't sure how DH's parents would react, and frankly, I was afraid of getting a less-than-supportive reaction in my already fragile mental state.  We did ultimately decide to tell them, and I am so glad we did.  Its like we were finally coming out with our terrible secret.  It was a relief for me to know that other people, people who would love Baby M as much as us, now knew about our baby and what we were going through.  In a weird way, it was also comforting to experience their sadness;  it was nice to know that DH and I are not the only ones mourning the loss of what would have been.

Since "coming out" to our parents, we have also told several other friends about Baby M.  Thankfully, everyone we have told has been supportive, and most have been amazingly compassionate and sincerely interested in hearing about Baby M and our experience.  For that, I am so, so thankful.  It has been so therapeutic for me to be able to discuss what happened.

But still, I never know how much I should tell people.  I know dead babies can be an uncomfortable topic for anyone, perhaps even more so for people who haven't experienced a loss.  Plus, I have spent countless hours reading, researching, and discussing what happened to us.  I am intimately familiar with the physical and psychological process of losing a pregnancy, and I am comfortable discussing our experience in graphic detail.   But I'm never sure how much of this information "other people" (i.e. people who have not experienced a loss) want to really hear about our experience.  I usually just say that I was pregnant, but we lost the baby, and then wait for the other person to ask questions before volunteering any other information.

So far, this approach seems to be working.  However, I find myself struggling with wanting to share every detail but also trying to hold back, for fear of saying too much and scaring the other person away.  I hope that eventually I will be able to find a good balance.

"For This Child I Have Prayed"

I found this wall plaque at my local Hobby Lobby this past weekend.  I absolutely love it.  I couldn't resist buying it for our future baby's nursery.  :-)

Allow myself to introduce... myself

After reading some of the wonderfully inspiring blogs of my fellow TTCALers, I thought I might give this blog thing a go.  Not because I think my story is a particularly inspiring one, but mostly just to have a place to air my thoughts and to share my experiences with others going to through the same thing.

So, here we are.  If you read my "about me", you know I'm a twenty-something married to the best DH ever.  No, really, he truly is the most wonderful person I know.  I don't know how I could have ever gotten through the horrible experience of losing Baby M without him.  He is truly my rock, and I thank God every day that I have him in my life.  

Even before we were married, DH and I were so excited to start our family.  Naturally, we assumed we would get pregnant right away and live happily ever after with however many children we were blessed with.  We started trying for a baby in January 2010.  We were thrilled to discover we were expecting Baby M in May 2010, after five months of trying.  I actually got my first BFP on Mother's Day.  We were ecstatic, to say the least!

I called and made my first doctor's appointment right away.  Because I have longer-than-average cycles, I told my doctor I was a week behind the date his nurse had assigned me using her stupid little "pregnancy wheel".  My doctor ordered an ultrasound to confirm, and of course Baby M measured to the day according to my calculations.  I was only 5 weeks 1 day, so my doctor ordered another ultrasound for two weeks later to check our baby's heartbeat.  

DH and I anxiously awaited our second ultrasound.  I was so very, very excited until Ultrasound Day rolled around.  I even told DH that I was feeling a bit nervous as we walked into the clinic.  Of course, I had no clue that we would actually get bad news.  I will never forget the feeling of my heart dropping when the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't find a heartbeat.  I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for the announcement that our baby was dead.  Baby M had passed a week before, and I was none the wiser.  I was still experiencing minor nausea, my boobs were still swollen, and my bloat was still out of this world.  I hadn't even had any spotting or any other inclination that anything was wrong.  

I remember going home from the ultrasound that afternoon feeling numb.  I couldn't believe our baby was already gone.  The baby we had waited for and wanted so badly.  The baby we had only just begun to know.  I loved Baby M from the moment I knew of his or her existence, and now he/she was gone.  

I decided I didn't want a D&C unless absolutely medically necessary.  I opted to wait for a few days to see if my body would catch up and "take care of things" on its own.  It didn't.  On June 7, 2010, I opted to take misoprostol to induce a miscarriage, in the hopes of avoiding surgery.  Thankfully (if you can even say that word regarding pregnancy loss), the misoprostol worked.  I passed Baby M at home, with DH by my side.  

Losing Baby M was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  During this experience, a good friend of mine comforted me by telling me that all Baby M knew was love;  he or she never had to suffer here in the world.  I have carried that message with me, and it continues to bring me peace.  I know that Baby M is in heaven with God, looking down on me and DH.  And I know that one day, DH and I will finally be reunited with our first miracle.  

Love you Baby M.  <3