12 dpo - BFN

Two more BFNs this morning.  Two because I dipped my first test and definitely saw "something"... there was definitely a shadow or something where the second line should be.  (This is exactly what happened the last time we got a BFP -- the line was so so faint it looked like a shadow of a line, but it was definitely there.)  I excitedly dipped a second test, hoping to replicate this second almost-line... but to no avail.  No matter how hard I looked, and no matter how many different light sources and angles I looked from, I just didn't see the same "something" on that second test.  :-(

So now I'm feeling pretty bummed and am really starting to lose hope for this cycle.  I just hate this because I was SO excited and really, truly thought that this was our month.  I mean, I get my hopes up every month, but between our awesome timing this cycle plus my chart being practically a carbon copy of my last BFP chart, I REALLY thought this was it for us.  I know I'm only 12 dpo and certainly not out yet, but it seems like if I was actually pregnant I should be getting some kind of faint faint line or something by now.  At least I didn't have a temp drop this morning, so I still have a shred of hope.  But I'm finding it really difficult to remain optimistic at this point.

I also had a depressing thought this morning.  While throwing my pity party, I realized that our EDD, January 18, 2011, is also the one-year anniversary to the day of when we started TTC.   I can't believe we have to have both of those milestones on one day.  Of course, I also can't believe we are coming up on a year of trying and still have absolutely nothing to show for it.  When we first started TTC I naively thought we would already have a baby by now... Not that we would still be trying and facing the same disappointment month after month.  I realize I will still get two (or possibly three, if my cycles cooperate) more chances to become pregnant before January, but my hope is fading fast.

I'm just feeling really defeated by the whole process at this point, especially after being so sure that this month was going to be our month.  :-(