9 dpo... Eeek!

Check out those temps!

Halfway there

6 dpo today, whoo hoo!  Halfway through my LP and only one week until I'll be testing!  (Assuming AF doesn't show, of course.) 

I'm sticking to my resolution of not testing early.  I ran out of internet cheapies last cycle, and will not be ordering more until 9 dpo (free two-day shipping -- thanks Amazon Prime!), so I won't be tempted.

I am really, really hoping this is our cycle.

Merry Christmas!

After my previous rant-tastic post, I figured I should follow up with a nice (sincere!) post wishing all of you out there in blog land a merry Christmas. :-)

I truly want to wish all of my readers, fellow TTCAL-ers, and other Bump friends a very, very happy holiday.  I know that this year didn't go as planned for some of us, but I wanted to say I am so thankful for all of your friendship and support.  You have made a difficult year a little easier for me to endure, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

So on that note, Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!   I hope you have a wonderful holiday surrounded by those you love.  Thank you again for all of the love and encouragement this past year!

"But you're so YOUNG!!!"

I get told this ALL the time when people find out we are TTC.  Then when I tell people about our loss, I get this statement's cousin, the "Its ok, you'll have lots of babies because you have lots of time! You're so young!" Now, as we are starting to tell people about our adoption plans, we have already had one person ask why... you guessed it... because we are so young!

Ok, for the record.  Yes we are in our mid-20s and creeping closer to 30 every day.  I realize to many people, this still is quite young to want a family.  But its not like I'm 16 and in high school trying to get knocked up.  DH and I are both college graduates with advanced degrees, and DH is in the process of obtaining another.  I have a professional job and we own our own home.  I think that should count for something.  (Not that we have to defend our choices to anyone!)

Whew, sorry I got a little fired up there.  I was reading Katie's post about ageists on From IF to When, and it got me thinking about how infuriating it is when people say these things.  If you have ever been in a similar boat, you really should take the time to read Katie's post.  She says everything I think about the issue, only more eloquently than I ever could.

Merry Christmas, Baby M!

We have a few new ornaments on our tree this Christmas.

This first one we ordered from bugaboojewelry the week we lost Baby M.  It is so beautiful, and I love that it has all of Baby M's information on it.

This next one is also very special to me, because it was made by my friend and fellow TTCAL-er, noah-bear.  She has her own Etsy shop, and offered to make personalized ornaments for all of the ladies in our online community... isn't that amazing?  I love it!

Merry Christmas, Baby M!  We love you and miss you so much.

More happy news!

My other BFP Buddy from TTGP, BB8785, had her little boy on Wednesday!  After some scary time in the NICU, he is finally home and is doing great.  :-) 

Congrats buddy, he is so precious!!!!  I am so happy for you guys!!!

Still here

I apologize again for neglecting the blog this past week.  Things have been busy with work, I spent several days with my mom who had surgery, and DH and I have been doing some things around the house.

I haven't had much to report from the TTCAL front anyway.  I guess the biggest news is that I started drinking POM last cycle.  I decided to give it a try after having only a three-day period (one day of bleeding, two of spotting) the previous cycle.  Well, for anyone who has wondered whether POM really makes a difference, let me tell you, it DOES!*  My period this cycle was seven days long!!!!  I take that to mean the POM actually did help my lining quite a bit.  (That, or my body just randomly decided to bleed more this cycle than ever in the past 5+ years...)

On another, completely unrelated note, I have been tinkering with my blog layout again.  I feel like it looks too busy, but I don't know how to fix that.  So I apologize in advance if you visit and my blog looks all screwy.  I hope to be done messing with it soon.  [EDIT:  I am finished now! Much better.  :-) ]


* I did drink 96 oz of POM juice (8 oz per day until ovulation).  That is a lot of POM!

Its over

Well, if I was pregnant, I'm not any more.  CD1 hit with a vengeance today about an hour after I got to work.

I'm amazingly at peace with this entire situation.  I think the reality of not truly knowing whether this was a loss, or just a fluke of a test, has made it a little easier.  And I've been reminding myself, at least if it was a c/p, we were clearly able to get sperm to meet egg again.

I've made an early New Year's resolution:  no more early testing for me.  From here on out, I'm going to do my best to wait until my period is actually late (13 dpo) instead of starting testing at 9 dpo.  I don't want to play this "am-I-or-aren't-I" game again. 

I'm trying to stay optimistic.  I'm mostly just frustrated at this point.  I'm just ready to meet our take-home baby.

Rollercoaster (possible BFP and c/p mentioned)

I apologize for the radio silence these past few days.  A lot has been going on, and I wanted to be sure before I said anything.  I also didn't want to jinx it.

After my post the other day at 9 dpo, I had a temp drop below the coverline, and then my temps shot back up.  I was still having cramps and creamy/EWCM, but started to get my hopes up when my temps stayed high.  (No, I did not mark the EWCM on my chart, because when I did FF took my CH away.  But I had it from 8 dpo on.)

I also have had some serious nausea these past three days, and I even vomited a little yesterday.  I have never had this happen during the 2ww before, and was trying really hard not to get my hopes up.  And, my boobs are sore and feel like rocks.

Then, last night, I got this (click to enlarge):

 

Yes, that is a second line.  It was very very faint, but definitely there.

Of course, once I saw the line, I dipped another test.  I PIAnotherC, and that urine looked darker, so I used it for the second test instead of the same urine from my first test.  BFN.  Then I dipped another test in the original urine, but that test didn't seem to have much dye in it as even the control line was pretty light.  BFN #2.  I gave up and waited for this morning, to test with FMU.

This morning (12 dpo), I fully expected to get another BFP with FMU.  But instead I got BFN #3.

So now I don't know what to think.  The "BFP" line was pink, not gray, and wasn't an indent like I've seen others on TTCAL say they saw with evap lines or bad tests.  Also, the line was there before my urine evaporated, and it faded as the test strip dried.  So I'm really hesitant to call it an evap line.  I have also never remotely seen anything that looks like an evap line on a Wondfo HPT or OPK, and I've been using them for almost a year now.  So I really don't think that's what it was.

I was feeling cautiously excited until this afternoon, when the EWCM really picked up and I started having brown spotting.  I am still spotting now, and starting to pass some dark brown CM/tissue so I'm guessing whatever this was, is about to be over.  I am still holding out a sliver of hope that tomorrow will bring a darker BFP, but I'm not holding my breath.

So it looks like either I got a somehow got a false BFP (on a brand notorious for never having false positives), or I'm possibly having a chemical pregnancy.  :-(

Amazingly, I am not really very upset (yet).  I don't know if I'm secretly holding out hope that I really am pregnant, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if I'm relieved that at least if it was a c/p, that means me and DH were capable of getting pregnant again.

At any rate, please send good thoughts.  I will keep you all posted.